If there is one thing that I have learned in my 30 years its that things are not always as they seem. This has applied to so much in my life. Everything from childhood to adulthood. As we follow our path of purpose we learn life in a very raw context. For me, I have always wanted to help people and the gift of seeing and feeling has allowed me to continue that path even if I don’t always understand what is being shown to me at that moment.
I remember when I was around 10. Going to a girlfriends house. I can still see what their home looked like. Where the rooms were, the way the kitchen looked but most of all the feeling in the home. There were 4 kids, one mother and no father present. The house was cute, a great size and painted with life from the outside. I remember going upstairs with my friend one time to talk to her mom, asking her permission to go play. I felt very strongly that the mother distraught. So while my friend finished up with chores I went back upstairs and went in her room to speak with her to try to make her feel better. She was a drug user and even at that age, I could tell she was not fully with it. I asked her why she was depressed and I sat down and spoke with her about her “adult problems.” As I came around more I seen what a bad atmosphere it was there. My friends sisters were scary abusive. They would beat her badly while the mom locked herself in her room. Yet, I found myself wanting to go back there to talk with the mother and help her. I felt I helped her on a very minimal level and to me it was not enough. Some things happened in that home that were hard for me to talk about for many years. Shortly after I had a moment of realization that I couldn’t help her. I endured a strong feeling of failure. And after I wondered for sometime why I was exposed to this.
Recently I have been having this occurrence lately in terms of spirit. Its happened a few times recently both in voice and appearance. A couple times I heard my husband or so I thought in the next room. He went from the bedroom then to a spare bedroom, move some things thus causing some noises then walked back into the bedroom. Thinking of course it was my husband I began talking to him. Not getting a response I found myself feeling curious. So I walked down the hall and in the master bedroom only to find the bathroom door closed. I asked him what he needed and he didn’t know what I was talking about. When I mentioned to him that I heard him he felt a little alarmed knowing of course that was impossible. He began checking to make sure no-one was in the house. This is the moment when I realized it was spirit I saw and not him. It happened again the other night but this time when he didn’t respond I knew better. As I walked down the hall I heard the restroom fan on and knew it was spirit again. This unfortunately is very familiar to me as it used to happen in my first marriage as well. There are a number of times where I seem to have issues distinguishing the living from spirit. Whether its at home or in public, I have found myself asking on several occasions “did you see that?”
I think some people may have a false perception of how life is for those who are open. Normal life, normal daily activities are not normal at all. Nothing really is. There is always something else going on and you are always aware of it. When I was little I came into this world on a mission to help others and was guided by spirit. Thirty years later, I am still struggling to understand as I see my gift change over the years and continue to develop. I don’t always have answers. But out of everything my biggest struggle has always remained consistent, its been with life in general. Normal day to day life…. Following my heart in spirit has taken me on a very tough path and has tested me on all levels to the point where I don’t see things the same as others anymore. Reality therefore continues to be what we make of it. We seem to define our own reality. As people as we continue to put our wants and needs ahead of what our purpose as people in life.
As people, how do we know what we are destine for? How can we begin to imagine what will unfold in our future or even what kind of person we will grow to become? We don’t. It’s simple. We walk a blind path of faith everyday armed with hope.
Living life with What I have, I have always felt a sense of uncertainty when it comes to communicating to others what I see, feel and know. Because I know that with whatever I say, it will impact them – deeply, on their path. I don’t want to be that one person speaking what others have not spoken about before me. “Sensitive topics!” And because I see spirit, you can assume that almost every topic in some way, shape or form are indeed “sensitive.”
As I move forward with my life I don’t find things necessarily getting easier in terms or communication. I find it growing more and more challenging.
After all, can you imagine trying to ask someone if their grandpa (moms dad) is dead? It certainly isn’t the best conversation starter. Also, the lights I am seeing around people and spirit are confusing to me at times. It’s not like a normal aura. I see these too sometimes but not a full aura. The most I have ever seen is maybe three layers at once. But I have seen different body forms like the astral body. It’s nothing full fledged though, very faint and I don’t see this often. Where the confusion comes in for me is with the colors (the light) I see. I don’t exactly always know what they mean especially if I am being distracted and can’t concentrate on what I am seeing. Also, I started seeing colors by spirit now versus just color blobs. For example, I was speaking to a close friend of mine. As I was speaking with her I started to feel spirit. In this particular case, I had a feeling as if someone walked into the room. I seen silver sparkles which looked like small stars. I could see clear and then foggy white colored formation. I felt anxious as someone was trying to get my attention. I proceeded to ignore this person so I could carry on a “normal” conversation. Many close to me have no idea about this gift I have. As she moved over and stood up I noticed a long purple light a couple feet away from her. I knew it was a man and I felt it was a grandfather. The light was from floor to around 6 ft or so. Which may indicate around his height. I felt the “purple” light was indicating her spiritual connection to this person. Perhaps she had prayed for him and he was watching over her. But I couldn’t be sure. As the whole lights thing is pretty new to me. I felt the tingling on my scalp (a normal feeling I have when spirit is present.) I continued ignoring this. Its a pretty hard thing to do….. Ignoring it. And depending on the person (spirit) sometimes it can be nearly impossible.
The only thing I can think to do, is to be subtle. When the moment is right and things are meant to be known it will unfold. I feel being to abrasive with others just is not harmonious. I know some people that are like me can be bold when delivering messages but in a way I feel they are doing this for two reasons. One, so they do not feel emotionally attached and also to soften the spirits that are communicating with them. I have felt inclined to do the same before for these two reasons as well but I don’t feel its very harmonious.
I believe we are supposed to be subtle on our paths. With one another, with the earth and everything around us.
As long as I can remember I have always had to do things the hard way.
I am stubborn and difficult at times. When I have my mind made up, that’s it – end of story. While in business this has gotten me far, it’s taken nearly 29 years for me to realize that my Scorpio ways are preventing me from evolving. I met a Gemini in a store in Sedona. So colorful those Gemini’s. She came flourishing into my conversation adding her commentary “shouldn’t be anything you Scorpio’s can’t handle. But what she failed to see is when the emotional aspect is shaken so are those sheets you sleep in each night.
I think about that Gemini often. Because to me she was a Gemini of all Gemini’s. And I think to myself “I don’t want to be the perfect definition of my own nature”. If I am, it shows my lack of evolving.
I have been trying to relocate for some time. Near the mountains, the canyons, somewhere that feels more alive. I have been convinced that this is indeed necessary. No matter how I shuffled the cards, the deck never seemed to pan out. I refused to give up and really started closing myself off to this place I once called “home.” It’s my nature to ensure I am in control of the situation and things go in the direction I plan. And this is what I have been practicing for almost 30 years. Can’t say this has helped me much on a personal level. If anything it has strained my emotional side and caused confusion. This morning I did a home cleansing and after I did, allot of thoughts and feelings shown themselves to me. As if I was looking into a mirror at my own reflection. I will not learn life’s lessons until I am put out there outside my nature into a situation that is out of my power. When I think about all the things I’d be missing out on because of my mindset it bothers me. I have no idea where this path is going but I have decided to change courses. I haven’t checked out the Yoga studio’s around here or looked for a new forest preserve to walk in. I have been doing the same thing and voicing my opinions after labeling the whole state as lame. I don’t want to be one of those people who flock off to a city to apart of the crowd of open minded people. I think I would rather stick out like a sore thumb here because atleast I know I may be able to make a difference. Everyone wonders why or how someone is different when everyone else is the same. And then they reflect on themselves as individuals.
Have you heard the saying the grass is not always greener on the other side or chasing fake rainbows? After climbing up a canyon in Arizona, we all caught glimpse of a rainbow.
It broke between the clouds and only lasted about three minutes. I stopped and watch it fade away into the clouds and I couldn’t help but wonder how many fake rainbows I had chased in my lifetime. As my mother says, “go on and be the butterfly that you are and fly, but even a butterfly needs a place to call home at the end of the day.” Home is what you make it. In the US, Japan, a warm bed, or in the arms of a lover. But it doesn’t mean our home has to define us as individuals. This is our own doing.
When it’s my time to keep on truckin then everything will all fall into place. Until then, I’m like the leaf that hangs from the tree dangling in the wind.