The question of where is all began takes me far back. All the way back to when I was a baby.
There was something always different about me. Even my mother will admit that her pregnancy with me was different. It was beyond a mother daughter bond. Much deeper then that. I was born late. Almost 2 weeks late. On the evening of November 4th. From the moment I left my mothers stomach I never wanted to leave her side and we had a sort of psychic connection with how we would communicate with one another.
I remember many vivid parts of my childhood. Even what my cradle looked like and I remember never really being alone, even back then.
There were things I knew and things I didn’t understand. Some children have invisible friends, some had real friends. I had spirits.
Starting around the age of four when I could talk. I told my mom that I had to be a good person and help people so I could become an angel. I seemed to have this fascination with angels. And with helping people, animals and all living things.
My mom used to have these books perhaps gifts from friends that I found when I grew a little older. Books on angels. I remember snagging them, reading them, studding every page under the moonlight by my bed.
My mother will tell you that she heard me talking to someone/something pretty often and it was in a conversational way. This is when she noticed something was strange about this. I would tell her about things that she had no idea where I got it from. I would say what colors meant. Associating colors with feeling. I was maybe 6. she would ask me how I knew things and where I heard it from. I couldn’t answer.
I had many fears, more fears my mother said then an average child. I wanted to go to church and actually asked the church if I could help. They made me a teachers aide. I prayed everynight and wrote letters to God. I would cry myself to sleep hoping that the things I seen and heard would stop. They never did. I had a sort of guardian or something. it appeared to me as a man. Tall, dark hair and dark skin – he made me feel safe. He would always come whenever I was in trouble, upset and sometimes he was just there. I never knew his name as we didn’t converse like that. He was simply there for me not to feel alone and to find my courage.
I hated to be alone. The worst thing in the world to me was to be alone. When I was alone, I was not distracted and could hear and see things clearly. I remember many bad spirits by me. All the time. which was another reason I wanted to stay close to the church. I felt safe there. I felt God could hear me better when I was in his house so to speak. To this day, I struggle when alone. When I’m alone often I feel that something is not right in my life because I believe to love is to be loved, therefore you should be surrounded by those you love. Honestly speaking, and a little challenging to admit – If I’m alone often I find myself getting boasts of depression while questioning the love and promises others had made to me. It’s kinda like watering a plant so it will blossom. If you stop watering it, it will slowly start fading.
Nothing seemed to help and as I grew older so did my inquisitiveness mind and eventually the church grew frustrated with all my questions and said I was making trouble. I was asked to sit in the hall during class sometimes. I started writing journals, poems and short stories at age 7. It helped to put my feelings into words even if I was too young for the words to become complete sentences.
I loved to talk to people. I seemed to be always talking to everyone. With exception to kids my age. Making friends and keeping friends was never very easy. Atleast close girlfriends were far and few in between. I was different and people knew it. They just couldn’t put their finger on it. I was also “too nice.” With my lack of material attachments I kept giving away all my toys to those I felt needed them or wanted them more then myself. This frustrated my parents. So there became a large part of myself that I kept private. I found that if i just kept things above the surface I could blend more in but this was hard because to do so i had to at times be something i wasn’t. But atleast i wouldn’t be alone. By the time I hit highschool i wasn’t in the best place mentally. And it would take years to pull myself up and work towards a good relationship with God again.
Straight out of highschool I threw myself into the working world. Taking college courses on the side. At times I worked three jobs and had high goals set for myself. I moved away from home at 18. And bought my first home at 19. And it was there that I found myself alone once again. By the time I was 21 I was going out with my friends and trying to enjoy life as a normal 21 year old. I felt happy at times but still empty. I continued to deny anything I saw, felt and experienced ad convinced myself that I was normal. I knew inside that my childhood was far from normal, but that was childhood and I was a young lady now and so now I was “normal”…. I would wake up often feeling spirit and when I tried to ignore it, they came through my dreams. I started praying again on and off. and shared these things with my mother.
By the time i had just turned 29 my life had been through a roller-coaster. A bad marriage, a long divorce and back to that home that I purchased just 10 years prior. I had spent almost 2 years figuring myself out after the divorce and looking at what used to be a home, this house so empty – I felt alone. I repeated my same process of praying but after 29 years and having reflected on so much in my life, I realized something. This prayer for everything to stop had never been answered. Perhaps part of accepting myself was accepting this part of me as well. So one evening I lay alone and when I felt the presence of spirit I said that I wasn’t afraid anymore and that if they come, i will try to listen instead of pushing them away. And then I prayed to God saying that I promised to try to accept myself (his creation) as is moving forward. And apologized.
My life was never the same since. From that point moving forward something began changing in me. In that late November 2012 I felt a shift. I began seeing more clearly, accepting myself and loving myself more then I ever had before. When December rolled around I was not only seeing and hearing spirit but I was having visions again (I used to have visions as a child) about past, present and more importantly – about others. I also started seeing lights. Orbs, color blobs, colors from people etc. Later I would start to see some auras. By January 2013, I was being crowded. I could barely walk into a store or restaurant without being flooded with spirit. I could and did start talking with strangers about what I was told/shown from spirit. Besides a bunch of strangers that knew of this, my mother and significant other at the time were the only ones that I confided in. Which brings me to where I am today.
In 2013, I helped a good amount of people and learned so much more about myself. 2013 was a blessed year. If I can have one wish about 2014 it will be that I help even more people and continue to evolve spiritually, mentally and physically.
I do believe that our childhood does have a defining affect on us as people.
If we go back, we may realize how much more of ourselves we knew before the stress of being an adult blocked us from our true nature.