Tag Archives: life

A student

I’ve humbly started this journey again of trying to continue down my spiritual path.  My soul keeps urging me to continue.  In doing so, I’ve come to terms with my experiences in my life and trying to understand where I’m at today.

It seems the majority of life I’ve been dabbling between the astral plane and the earthy plane.  For some reason I tend to dip into the astral plane which is where my medium experiences are coming from.  But this is not a place where I want to spend my time, I want to evolve to the next phase of life.  The astral plane is kind of like drinking the cool-aide.  You have to be careful you don’t get sucked in.  It’s funny, I always thought these experiences made me different/not fit in.  But that’s not the case, we will all tap into this plane at some point during our journey.  I don’t want these experiences to define me.

I’ve had a couple visitations with my spirit guides as an adult and angels when I was little.  It’s taken me many years to understand these experiences.  I’m at the point where I feel I’m ready for a teacher.  I’m continuing to work with the light through mediation and prayer but I know I could benefit from having a teacher.  Until that point I’m going to continue teaching myself.

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The start of my second journey

I have been going through this amazing journey within the past few months.  It’s been the second spiritual journey of a lifetime.

Things have never made so much sense.  When we take off our lenses we realize how this world is nothing what it seems.  We are so caught up in the frame of the paintings but don’t take time to understand the paintings.  We are confused, as people.  We are lost.  We lost ourselves a long time ago.  We have no feeling, accountability, we have lost so much compassion and love.  We are brainwashed to think we need all this stuff, we need a title, we need to be successful.  In the end, we have all these problems, broken relationships, worry, stress, bills and we look to see whats wrong with us.  We forget that we are these beautiful spiritual beings.  Created by a God greater then any of our minds can comprehend.  We forget how we are all brothers and sisters with the same father.  How we share this journey together.  How each one of us have special gifts and how much we have grown away from our spiritual self.  These world is like an interactive realm where we are tested, we are blessed to be apart of this life.  But what do we do with it?  What good, what greatness can we do to help others.  How many times has our anger drew lines between us, who have we become.  We have forgotten who we are and why we are here.


Childhood

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The question of where is all began takes me far back. All the way back to when I was a baby.

There was something always different about me. Even my mother will admit that her pregnancy with me was different. It was beyond a mother daughter bond. Much deeper then that. I was born late. Almost 2 weeks late. On the evening of November 4th. From the moment I left my mothers stomach I never wanted to leave her side and we had a sort of psychic connection with how we would communicate with one another.
I remember many vivid parts of my childhood. Even what my cradle looked like and I remember never really being alone, even back then.

There were things I knew and things I didn’t understand. Some children have invisible friends, some had real friends. I had spirits.

Starting around the age of four when I could talk. I told my mom that I had to be a good person and help people so I could become an angel. I seemed to have this fascination with angels. And with helping people, animals and all living things.
My mom used to have these books perhaps gifts from friends that I found when I grew a little older. Books on angels. I remember snagging them, reading them, studding every page under the moonlight by my bed.

My mother will tell you that she heard me talking to someone/something pretty often and it was in a conversational way. This is when she noticed something was strange about this. I would tell her about things that she had no idea where I got it from. I would say what colors meant. Associating colors with feeling. I was maybe 6. she would ask me how I knew things and where I heard it from. I couldn’t answer.
I had many fears, more fears my mother said then an average child. I wanted to go to church and actually asked the church if I could help. They made me a teachers aide. I prayed everynight and wrote letters to God. I would cry myself to sleep hoping that the things I seen and heard would stop. They never did. I had a sort of guardian or something. it appeared to me as a man. Tall, dark hair and dark skin – he made me feel safe. He would always come whenever I was in trouble, upset and sometimes he was just there. I never knew his name as we didn’t converse like that. He was simply there for me not to feel alone and to find my courage.

I hated to be alone. The worst thing in the world to me was to be alone. When I was alone, I was not distracted and could hear and see things clearly. I remember many bad spirits by me. All the time. which was another reason I wanted to stay close to the church. I felt safe there. I felt God could hear me better when I was in his house so to speak. To this day, I struggle when alone. When I’m alone often I feel that something is not right in my life because I believe to love is to be loved, therefore you should be surrounded by those you love. Honestly speaking, and a little challenging to admit – If I’m alone often I find myself getting boasts of depression while questioning the love and promises others had made to me. It’s kinda like watering a plant so it will blossom. If you stop watering it, it will slowly start fading.

Nothing seemed to help and as I grew older so did my inquisitiveness mind and eventually the church grew frustrated with all my questions and said I was making trouble. I was asked to sit in the hall during class sometimes. I started writing journals, poems and short stories at age 7. It helped to put my feelings into words even if I was too young for the words to become complete sentences.

I loved to talk to people. I seemed to be always talking to everyone. With exception to kids my age. Making friends and keeping friends was never very easy. Atleast close girlfriends were far and few in between. I was different and people knew it. They just couldn’t put their finger on it. I was also “too nice.” With my lack of material attachments I kept giving away all my toys to those I felt needed them or wanted them more then myself. This frustrated my parents. So there became a large part of myself that I kept private. I found that if i just kept things above the surface I could blend more in but this was hard because to do so i had to at times be something i wasn’t. But atleast i wouldn’t be alone. By the time I hit highschool i wasn’t in the best place mentally. And it would take years to pull myself up and work towards a good relationship with God again.

Straight out of highschool I threw myself into the working world. Taking college courses on the side. At times I worked three jobs and had high goals set for myself. I moved away from home at 18. And bought my first home at 19. And it was there that I found myself alone once again. By the time I was 21 I was going out with my friends and trying to enjoy life as a normal 21 year old. I felt happy at times but still empty. I continued to deny anything I saw, felt and experienced ad convinced myself that I was normal. I knew inside that my childhood was far from normal, but that was childhood and I was a young lady now and so now I was “normal”…. I would wake up often feeling spirit and when I tried to ignore it, they came through my dreams. I started praying again on and off. and shared these things with my mother.

By the time i had just turned 29 my life had been through a roller-coaster. A bad marriage, a long divorce and back to that home that I purchased just 10 years prior. I had spent almost 2 years figuring myself out after the divorce and looking at what used to be a home, this house so empty – I felt alone. I repeated my same process of praying but after 29 years and having reflected on so much in my life, I realized something. This prayer for everything to stop had never been answered. Perhaps part of accepting myself was accepting this part of me as well. So one evening I lay alone and when I felt the presence of spirit I said that I wasn’t afraid anymore and that if they come, i will try to listen instead of pushing them away. And then I prayed to God saying that I promised to try to accept myself (his creation) as is moving forward. And apologized.

My life was never the same since. From that point moving forward something began changing in me. In that late November 2012 I felt a shift. I began seeing more clearly, accepting myself and loving myself more then I ever had before. When December rolled around I was not only seeing and hearing spirit but I was having visions again (I used to have visions as a child) about past, present and more importantly – about others. I also started seeing lights. Orbs, color blobs, colors from people etc. Later I would start to see some auras. By January 2013, I was being crowded. I could barely walk into a store or restaurant without being flooded with spirit. I could and did start talking with strangers about what I was told/shown from spirit. Besides a bunch of strangers that knew of this, my mother and significant other at the time were the only ones that I confided in. Which brings me to where I am today.
In 2013, I helped a good amount of people and learned so much more about myself. 2013 was a blessed year. If I can have one wish about 2014 it will be that I help even more people and continue to evolve spiritually, mentally and physically.

I do believe that our childhood does have a defining affect on us as people.
If we go back, we may realize how much more of ourselves we knew before the stress of being an adult blocked us from our true nature.


A subtle path

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As people, how do we know what we are destine for? How can we begin to imagine what will unfold in our future or even what kind of person we will grow to become? We don’t. It’s simple. We walk a blind path of faith everyday armed with hope.

Living life with What I have, I have always felt a sense of uncertainty when it comes to communicating to others what I see, feel and know. Because I know that with whatever I say, it will impact them – deeply, on their path. I don’t want to be that one person speaking what others have not spoken about before me. “Sensitive topics!” And because I see spirit, you can assume that almost every topic in some way, shape or form are indeed “sensitive.”

As I move forward with my life I don’t find things necessarily getting easier in terms or communication. I find it growing more and more challenging.
After all, can you imagine trying to ask someone if their grandpa (moms dad) is dead? It certainly isn’t the best conversation starter. Also, the lights I am seeing around people and spirit are confusing to me at times. It’s not like a normal aura. I see these too sometimes but not a full aura. The most I have ever seen is maybe three layers at once. But I have seen different body forms like the astral body. It’s nothing full fledged though, very faint and I don’t see this often. Where the confusion comes in for me is with the colors (the light) I see. I don’t exactly always know what they mean especially if I am being distracted and can’t concentrate on what I am seeing. Also, I started seeing colors by spirit now versus just color blobs. For example, I was speaking to a close friend of mine. As I was speaking with her I started to feel spirit. In this particular case, I had a feeling as if someone walked into the room. I seen silver sparkles which looked like small stars. I could see clear and then foggy white colored formation. I felt anxious as someone was trying to get my attention. I proceeded to ignore this person so I could carry on a “normal” conversation. Many close to me have no idea about this gift I have. As she moved over and stood up I noticed a long purple light a couple feet away from her. I knew it was a man and I felt it was a grandfather. The light was from floor to around 6 ft or so. Which may indicate around his height. I felt the “purple” light was indicating her spiritual connection to this person. Perhaps she had prayed for him and he was watching over her. But I couldn’t be sure. As the whole lights thing is pretty new to me. I felt the tingling on my scalp (a normal feeling I have when spirit is present.) I continued ignoring this. Its a pretty hard thing to do….. Ignoring it. And depending on the person (spirit) sometimes it can be nearly impossible.

The only thing I can think to do, is to be subtle. When the moment is right and things are meant to be known it will unfold. I feel being to abrasive with others just is not harmonious. I know some people that are like me can be bold when delivering messages but in a way I feel they are doing this for two reasons. One, so they do not feel emotionally attached and also to soften the spirits that are communicating with them. I have felt inclined to do the same before for these two reasons as well but I don’t feel its very harmonious.

I believe we are supposed to be subtle on our paths. With one another, with the earth and everything around us.


My life path

Those who know me best know how seriously I take gardening. Over the past six months, I have connected again with my roots and sunk my fingers in the soil of mother earth. Everything living, is like a gift and to be apart of it creates a divine connection between humans and spirit. At times I believe that if many understood the connection between all living things such as plants and spirit, they would have the answer to life in the palm of their hands. However this is not the case, atleast not with most people.

Some plants are known as medicines and for some reason this one particular plant or medicine was in my dream.

A few weeks ago I had this dream that didn’t really feel like a dream but I was not in this realm. I remember being outside somewhere. The terrain was dry, similar to the desert and I was walking along the road. This road looked familiar. Like one I had traveled down before. This road in my dream was supposed to signify my life path and although it had a direction already assigned to it, it seemed to be directed by someone or something else. I became determined to try to understand who was directing my life path. So I began searching along this road. The road turned from charcoal colors to colors of black and moved like waves in the ocean. I seen a figure or the outline of one and I knew this was the person so I began walking closer. As I got closer I realized this was not a person at all but a tall cacti. As I came up I seen the eyes, like waves of black oceans. “You have to listen and I’ll tell you where to go.” I heard. Telepathically I knew that this being was here to tell me my life path was changing. I woke.

Sometimes we just don’t have all the answers. Spirit or no spirit.
I’m unsure of the meaning behind this or why I had this dream/vision out of the blue. I am still trying to understand


When paths cross

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I stopped digging for answers. Or should I say solutions. I kept wondering what more can I do to help? I wanted to help as many people as possible and eventually, I felt overwhelmed by my own ambition. I finally decided that this was the time when you let people come to you. Since then, they have been coming out of the woodwork.

On Saturday morning I woke up very early. A spirit from a family member who passed on came to me through a dream and gave me some directions in regards to the healing of his passing. It was very moving. I tossed and turned until 4:30 am when I decided to stop fighting it. By 5:20 I was heading out for a morning walk to clear my mind and start the day. It was still dark but I like it that way. Everything is quite and you can breathe in the sounds of the early morning. About 15 minutes into my walk I noticed a security officer by the park (they had an event going though the weekend). I smiled and chirped “Good morning!” “Good morning” she replied as she began to walk toward me. I put my mp3 player in my pocket as I knew she needed to talk. She had allot on her mind. Such a nice person. This is why I love meeting people. To feel the light that people have around them is amazing. If only everyone’s thoughts were through their heart and true spirit, there would be more beauty radiating from their throat chakra and aura.

We spoke for a good hour or so. Although the conversation was going great as she kept saying how happy she was to meet someone like me I was getting impatient a bit on spirits part. Because no-one was coming through so I felt confused. Someone usually comes through. I finally said (in my inner voice) “what’s the connection, where is this going?” She really liked to talk. And there it was – in her next sentence she mentioned being a sibling of 14. And she was umber 10. “Wow, wait – 14?” I asked. And then she proceeded, “well yes, but we actually just lost our first one.” “Ah ha.” I said. “Was it a male?” “yes” she said. “Older?” “yes” she said. Issues with the heart but of natural causes?” “yes” she said. She stopped and looked at me. I apologized as I normally do. Hearing the truth from a strangers mouth is not easy so I always apologize as I never want to be abrasive.

Her brother was a good man. She was still suffering. She missed him and felt disconnected from him as she was blinded by some of the decisions he made in his lifetime. I asked her if there was somewhere he used to go that was special to him like a place or church. She mentioned this place and said he used to bring flowers there to connect with God. I asked her to do it for him on his behalf. Since he was no longer on the physical plane, she should do this act of service for him and while doing it – connect with him inside, letting him know. She will then feel his presence and she will feel assured knowing he still alive in spirit. She cried. She said when I started asking the questions she felt a warmth come over her and she wasn’t sure what it was. I told her it was him. That the messages I received were from him. She said I was right and that she needed to do that for him. We hugged and I went on my way.

I know it may sound strange but I consider this like on call volunteer work. It feels right. Until I believe differently, I’ll keep walking…


Random thoughts and writings

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There’s a thin line between realization and illusion.  Many people feel they have experienced a “realization” yet they never relate the insight back to themselves directly.  This therefore is an illusion not a realization.  If you can not be open to the mirror before you, then you are just that – an image in a piece of glass holding little substance.
I have met many who said “this gift that you have is for you not for others.”  When we realize this life, this world, is not about us personally then perhaps we will no longer see our footprints in the sand.
We can learn something from the bird. I have met many wanderers and they are always good at one thing, wondering.  While in flight the bird is always still connected to its true nature, just because the bird flying, it doesn’t mean they are lost in the clouds.
When we start to comprehend the connection of energy, nature, mathematics and the universe.  We see then, that it is all within the same.  To live within as to see within.