I had a dream the other night that I was seeing this man. He wasn’t a good spirit by any means. I was scared of this being.
It took me almost a full day to understand this dream.
I’m 31 years old and my mother is still telling me to be myself. She says “I would give allot to see even a glimpse of what you see, yet you still just want to fit in. You will never fit in and the sooner you except yourself, the easier it will be on your daughter if you find out she’s special too. Don’t you think God made you this way for a reason” Needless to say, her visit made me reflect allot.
I hide behind an anonymous blog. No name, no photo. Nothing traceable. Because of fear. Fear is my worst enemy at all levels. I fear that someone will find out my secrets, I fear that someone will think I’m nuts, I fear the things I see at times because I don’t understand them. I don’t understand why I see the things I see. I’m so focused on the “why am I seeing these things” that I miss the message.
I have all these church friends now who are just wonderful and every Sunday I obsess about trying to look perfect and fit in but I don’t need to “fit in.” I am me and I’m different and no matter if my hair is perfect or not, I’m still going to be me. Once I accept that I will feel better about the way I am and my relationships with others. I still struggle to find one religion that sums up what I believe in and explains what I see everyday of my life. My belief in god is extremely strong but its hard to pin myself to one religion.
I still have these urges all the time! To travel. To go to the southwest and live among the canyons. To step out of my high-level job and follow my heart. To align my life work to helping others. How fulfilling this would be! I wonder how great it would be to get to know others like myself. I feel a little part of me dying as I try to mold myself into others who don’t see spirit, who don’t see aura’s and who don’t feel others emotions. Just talking about it and not pretending its not there makes it better but to suppress it everyday is depressing. I wonder how others deal in their lives. Wives, mothers, friends, sisters.
A baby girl, Over 21 weeks moves in my tummy. I feel her kicks, twirls and movements now. But with each kick and each day my growing anxiety about the changes going on and going to take place continue to grow. I always said that if I had a girl, she would be like me. Meaning she would see & feel as I do. So many prayers I was thankful for a baby but hoped she would be normal (meaning not like me). How I am is passed down the line daughter to daughter in my family. I have the gift stronger then anyone else so I assumed if I had a girl she would have it even stronger. Naturally I feared this.
As the days move forward I continue trying to move naturally with it. Into motherhood. But I have so many fears. With the past few days I have tried to boil down my fears:
1.) hanna will be gifted like me – struggle as I did with it, deal with seclusion from others because of her differences and regret being my child.
2.) my birthing wishes will not be respected – When I am in pain and going through a large transition I have always needed separation time from others to go through the process of change. I have fears of the hospital room being crowded or even the hospital with family & friends while I am going through this huge transition when all I want is to go through it my own way. This thought renders me to tears.
3.) The pain and process of my birthing will be judged – When I am in pain I tend to make noises. I can’t imagine the noises I will make when going through labors. The cries, yells from pain and the birth itself. Being split open and literally having your inside’s pushed out. All I will be focused on is giving up a part of myself and moving into the transition of bearing a child using the fire from within. I don’t want to think about how I will look and sound. I don’t want anyone in the room or even near it except for my husband and even him I worry having to witness this.
I don’t worry whether or not I can handle the pain, I feel i will be guided in how to handle that during birth. I don’t worry about being a good mother, I know like everything in life – I will not fail and will continue to do my best. I don’t worry about how this will change my life, I feel everything will come naturally. It’s these three main issues.
I wonder how many mothers are out there who are psychic, mediums, empaths or clairvoyants and how their journey and children were affected by it.
I have never been good at asking for help. And I fear any help I ask from others on these three things will only make matters more complicated thus even more difficult on me.
Giving birth is a very spiritual transition. As a woman, we go through this spiritual journey, rendering ourselves for the health of our off-spring. I don’t think any words can be used to describe this emotional, physical and psychological journey that we must endure to give birth to life. Every woman’s journey is so different from the next but I wonder how it is for someone who is like me. Being so open spiritually.
“I had a rough morning” I suppose we all have our ways of wording events that created feelings thus as a result.
I am one of those people who doesn’t get really mad easily. In fact, I try not to let such emotions run my life because at the end of the day, they are just that…. emotions.
For the first time in a very long time I was extremely angry the other day. When I began elevating this anger and allowing it to take control the strangest thing happened. I seen this anger! The anger manifested itself in a silver light but not the normal lovely shinning silver light I am used to seeing. A harsh silver lighting that actually stressed my eyes when looking at it. It was ugly and consuming. All I could see was this light coming from everywhere. All directions. I took out my phone and I couldn’t even read the keyboard. This silver was so shinny it was reflective. Perhaps this energy was reflecting itself back to me so I could feel directly what I was putting out. I have never seen anything like it and to see that it come from me, from my own doing, was hard to digest.
What does emotions look like? If you talk to some clairvoyant’s they may describe a color chart. In which all the colors have the same meaning. I myself do not believe this applies to everyone. For me, there has never been a manual to follow.
I believe if you work with the light it will directly speak in a language that you understand. I have never found the light mis-leading infact, anytime I have asked for guidance I have always been answered with love and grace.
Some examples of colors with specific meanings for me are as follows~ Pink – I see pink when there is allot of love. I will see it coming from a person and also around their center. Avocado green – this is not a pleasant color to see. I see this color when someone is so bogged down with stress that the person is actually beginning to get separated from their true nature due to stress. I will see a large white ball of light above some people when they are praying and have connected through prayer to their past loved ones. The ball of light signifies their loved ones present through prayer. This is not one I see often.
There is so much energy that we put out into the world everyday. With this said, t’s important to try to release the most positive and enlightening energy.
As I always say, each day we wake with a blank canvas and we are the artist who choose what colors to paint the day with.
There are no “normal” days for me. Infact I ponder these days what is actually considered “normal.” Is normal not feeling? Not seeing? As a child I always associated normal with a ability to blend in with others. To do as they do. See as they see. And so the dance continues. Growing older and having lived years with my differences, I have associated normal with Not feeling and not seeing “abnormalities.”
I recall starring apon my wooden cross as a kid praying to God begging him to make me normal. To make the things I see and feel stop. Tears flushing from my eyes. Growing older it resulted in lying to myself, telling myself I see and feel nothing. But the lies can’t last forever.
Being pregnant, and moving into motherhood there are no more lies. Everything is as raw as it gets. The comments people say, the size of your growing tummy, the ice cold beds you strap your feet into to get examined, but most of all – what you feel at the end of each day.
I know the relationship I have with my unborn child is not “normal.” When I want to see how many baby is doing I will put my hand on my stomach and then I see this silver ball/star. I know at that moment, its doing fine and I have no need to worry. When daddy is trying to communicate with it, I will see a light (a purple light) and I can then move his hand to where the baby is. When the doctor is looking up there… I can see the light again while she is looking to examine the uterus. When I am in a bad position I will see a dark gray ball/star and need to move so the baby is more comfortable. I can feel from my husbands touch how much love he has for me and the baby through his finger tips. Everyday I see my baby in light form and being the way I am, I am able to monitor its health and well being.
I went to church on Sunday with my husband. While listening to one of the pastors preach I always see spirit by him, walking, standing, in motion – etc. This is normal, however on Sunday I seen something I had never seen before. While he was preaching I was looking at layers of this aura, I seen his Causal body or Ketheric template but then I noticed something different behind him. Behind him stood a outline of a male, head and shoulders, atleast 1.5 feet taller then him and he is tall. Perfectly shaped. Like someone drew it. It was not the pastors aura it was actually something different. This was neither male nor female. It’s outline was an outline of a male but it actually looked to me as if it was conveying itself to be stronger then man. I saw this as some sort of guardian. It seemed this pastor was following his blue print of his calling but to such a high level and high connection that his guardian actually stood behind him. It was remarkable. I hadn’t seen this before in anyone.
As I sat there on Sunday seeing this I looked around, watching everyone listen to his words so graciously. I leaned back in my chair and looked down at my tummy. When my baby can hear (at 16 weeks) what will it feel to these these words. Will its communication with me change? I can’t help but wonder where the other moms like me are.
As people, how do we know what we are destine for? How can we begin to imagine what will unfold in our future or even what kind of person we will grow to become? We don’t. It’s simple. We walk a blind path of faith everyday armed with hope.
Living life with What I have, I have always felt a sense of uncertainty when it comes to communicating to others what I see, feel and know. Because I know that with whatever I say, it will impact them – deeply, on their path. I don’t want to be that one person speaking what others have not spoken about before me. “Sensitive topics!” And because I see spirit, you can assume that almost every topic in some way, shape or form are indeed “sensitive.”
As I move forward with my life I don’t find things necessarily getting easier in terms or communication. I find it growing more and more challenging.
After all, can you imagine trying to ask someone if their grandpa (moms dad) is dead? It certainly isn’t the best conversation starter. Also, the lights I am seeing around people and spirit are confusing to me at times. It’s not like a normal aura. I see these too sometimes but not a full aura. The most I have ever seen is maybe three layers at once. But I have seen different body forms like the astral body. It’s nothing full fledged though, very faint and I don’t see this often. Where the confusion comes in for me is with the colors (the light) I see. I don’t exactly always know what they mean especially if I am being distracted and can’t concentrate on what I am seeing. Also, I started seeing colors by spirit now versus just color blobs. For example, I was speaking to a close friend of mine. As I was speaking with her I started to feel spirit. In this particular case, I had a feeling as if someone walked into the room. I seen silver sparkles which looked like small stars. I could see clear and then foggy white colored formation. I felt anxious as someone was trying to get my attention. I proceeded to ignore this person so I could carry on a “normal” conversation. Many close to me have no idea about this gift I have. As she moved over and stood up I noticed a long purple light a couple feet away from her. I knew it was a man and I felt it was a grandfather. The light was from floor to around 6 ft or so. Which may indicate around his height. I felt the “purple” light was indicating her spiritual connection to this person. Perhaps she had prayed for him and he was watching over her. But I couldn’t be sure. As the whole lights thing is pretty new to me. I felt the tingling on my scalp (a normal feeling I have when spirit is present.) I continued ignoring this. Its a pretty hard thing to do….. Ignoring it. And depending on the person (spirit) sometimes it can be nearly impossible.
The only thing I can think to do, is to be subtle. When the moment is right and things are meant to be known it will unfold. I feel being to abrasive with others just is not harmonious. I know some people that are like me can be bold when delivering messages but in a way I feel they are doing this for two reasons. One, so they do not feel emotionally attached and also to soften the spirits that are communicating with them. I have felt inclined to do the same before for these two reasons as well but I don’t feel its very harmonious.
I believe we are supposed to be subtle on our paths. With one another, with the earth and everything around us.