Tag Archives: dreams

Fear of myself

I had a dream the other night that I was seeing this man.  He wasn’t a good spirit by any means.  I was scared of this being.

It took me almost a full day to understand this dream.

I’m 31 years old and my mother is still telling me to be myself.  She says “I would give allot to see even a glimpse of what you see, yet you still just want to fit in.  You will never fit in and the sooner you except yourself, the easier it will be on your daughter if you find out she’s special too.  Don’t you think God made you this way for a reason”  Needless to say, her visit made me reflect allot.

I hide behind an anonymous blog.  No name, no photo.  Nothing traceable.  Because of fear.  Fear is my worst enemy at all levels.  I fear that someone will find out my secrets, I fear that someone will think I’m nuts, I fear the things I see at times because I don’t understand them.  I don’t understand why I see the things I see.  I’m so focused on the “why am I seeing these things” that I miss the message.

I have all these church friends now who are just wonderful and every Sunday I obsess about trying to look perfect and fit in but I don’t need to “fit in.”  I am me and I’m different and no matter if my hair is perfect or not, I’m still going to be me.  Once I accept that I will feel better about the way I am and my relationships with others.  I still struggle to find one religion that sums up what I believe in and explains what I see everyday of my life.  My belief in god is extremely strong but its hard to pin myself to one religion.

I still have these urges all the time!  To travel.  To go to the southwest and live among the canyons.  To step out of my high-level job and follow my heart.  To align my life work to helping others.  How fulfilling this would be!  I wonder how great it would be to get to know others like myself.  I feel a little part of me dying as I try to mold myself into others who don’t see spirit, who don’t see aura’s and who don’t feel others emotions.  Just talking about it and not pretending its not there makes it better but to suppress it everyday is depressing.  I wonder how others deal in their lives.  Wives, mothers, friends, sisters.

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What do emotions look like?

“I had a rough morning” I suppose we all have our ways of wording events that created feelings thus as a result.
I am one of those people who doesn’t get really mad easily. In fact, I try not to let such emotions run my life because at the end of the day, they are just that…. emotions.
For the first time in a very long time I was extremely angry the other day. When I began elevating this anger and allowing it to take control the strangest thing happened. I seen this anger! The anger manifested itself in a silver light but not the normal lovely shinning silver light I am used to seeing. A harsh silver lighting that actually stressed my eyes when looking at it. It was ugly and consuming. All I could see was this light coming from everywhere. All directions. I took out my phone and I couldn’t even read the keyboard. This silver was so shinny it was reflective. Perhaps this energy was reflecting itself back to me so I could feel directly what I was putting out. I have never seen anything like it and to see that it come from me, from my own doing, was hard to digest.
What does emotions look like? If you talk to some clairvoyant’s they may describe a color chart. In which all the colors have the same meaning. I myself do not believe this applies to everyone. For me, there has never been a manual to follow.
I believe if you work with the light it will directly speak in a language that you understand. I have never found the light mis-leading infact, anytime I have asked for guidance I have always been answered with love and grace.
Some examples of colors with specific meanings for me are as follows~ Pink – I see pink when there is allot of love. I will see it coming from a person and also around their center. Avocado green – this is not a pleasant color to see. I see this color when someone is so bogged down with stress that the person is actually beginning to get separated from their true nature due to stress. I will see a large white ball of light above some people when they are praying and have connected through prayer to their past loved ones. The ball of light signifies their loved ones present through prayer. This is not one I see often.
There is so much energy that we put out into the world everyday. With this said, t’s important to try to release the most positive and enlightening energy.
As I always say, each day we wake with a blank canvas and we are the artist who choose what colors to paint the day with.


Finding the light

Flowers

On Friday I have my first ultrasound appointment. It’s going to be very intense. About 2-3 times a week I see a little silver-white light around and in my stomach which is my babys light. So to actually see on a monitor how he/she is sitting or the shape of them is really going to be remarkable. What they are looking to confirm is if I am actually further along then 10 weeks. My pouch as I call it looks a little more then 10 weeks but perhaps I am just not use to seeing a little mommy pouch.

Spiritually things have been more intense. I seem to be picking up on more, perhaps its because I am so open spiritually and emotionally due to the pregnancy. I keep wondering how this whole pregnancy will be for me, someone who see’s, feels and knows. Who see’s beyond and communicates beyond. How will I be as a mother. There are so many questions. If its one thing I am sure of, its that this little one will be completely loved. My husband wants kids more then anything in life and I myself have always wanted to be a mother.

While doing my lightwork I keep seeing myself very pregnant and the light is all around me and my tummy. The same light as if we are one. I would have thought its light would have been different then my own as every being has its own light. For example, my husband has a dominate royal blue color and when I see him, I normally see this light very distinctively. I feel I am learning so much more spiritually because of how I am and the fact that I have life growing inside.

I a way, I feel scarred. I know for a fact, being so open I tend to take on other issues. It’s very tough on me spiritually and physically. When I read someone sometimes I have issues letting go when I see they are hurting. But now, its not just me I have to take care of, its this little one too. I find myself doing lightwork more and more now. If not for my sake, then I do it for the baby.

This past year has been such a eye opener on all levels. When I drive home from the store I always look up. Where we live there are bald eagles. And I think about all the places I wanted to see and live and embrace yet when I look up and see those eagle glide through the air, I realize its never been about the place where the eagle makes his nest. It’s how he glides and moves through the air.