I had a dream the other night that I was seeing this man. He wasn’t a good spirit by any means. I was scared of this being.
It took me almost a full day to understand this dream.
I’m 31 years old and my mother is still telling me to be myself. She says “I would give allot to see even a glimpse of what you see, yet you still just want to fit in. You will never fit in and the sooner you except yourself, the easier it will be on your daughter if you find out she’s special too. Don’t you think God made you this way for a reason” Needless to say, her visit made me reflect allot.
I hide behind an anonymous blog. No name, no photo. Nothing traceable. Because of fear. Fear is my worst enemy at all levels. I fear that someone will find out my secrets, I fear that someone will think I’m nuts, I fear the things I see at times because I don’t understand them. I don’t understand why I see the things I see. I’m so focused on the “why am I seeing these things” that I miss the message.
I have all these church friends now who are just wonderful and every Sunday I obsess about trying to look perfect and fit in but I don’t need to “fit in.” I am me and I’m different and no matter if my hair is perfect or not, I’m still going to be me. Once I accept that I will feel better about the way I am and my relationships with others. I still struggle to find one religion that sums up what I believe in and explains what I see everyday of my life. My belief in god is extremely strong but its hard to pin myself to one religion.
I still have these urges all the time! To travel. To go to the southwest and live among the canyons. To step out of my high-level job and follow my heart. To align my life work to helping others. How fulfilling this would be! I wonder how great it would be to get to know others like myself. I feel a little part of me dying as I try to mold myself into others who don’t see spirit, who don’t see aura’s and who don’t feel others emotions. Just talking about it and not pretending its not there makes it better but to suppress it everyday is depressing. I wonder how others deal in their lives. Wives, mothers, friends, sisters.
One of the hardest questions for me personally to answer is “why do we do the things we do?” Sometimes there is no “why” or “reason.” There’s simply just an action “for the sake of riding out the wave.” It simply just “is.” We can’t always put our finger on it but we know that we must ride it out. For years I had a series of signs that I needed to move to Phoenix AZ not just AZ but Phoenix. Even looking in my rear-view mirror while living in the Midwest only to see the Painted Desert. Some signs were more extreme than others. In the past, when I was ready to move to AZ many people wanted to know why and to be honest even I didn’t really know “why” but I knew the wave came years before and would most likely come again next year so I needed to ride it out. I think when we begin to try to put a scientific explanation behind everything especially thoughts and feelings, that’s when life gets complicated.
I had this dream a few months ago and it was about someone very dear to me. My Grandma. She past away many years ago and although she isn’t mentioned too much, I still bake with her old baking pans and think about her allot. My Grandma had a huge heart of gold and allot of wisdom. The way I view her is someone who wanted to do more in life then she had the opportunity to. Her husband, my grandpa was controlling in their life together and when he passed she needed to rely on family as her health deteriorated. As mentioned in other posts, I have a calling to many places in my life but not everyone can understand a calling and many times this is a road I walk alone. A couple months ago I felt very torn, should I fly and be that butterfly I have always felt closest to or should I try to keep those wings tied for longer and if longer, till when? This is when I had my dream. I seem always torn between the tall trees of the forest or the dry lands of the desert. In this dream I was living in the forest on many acres of land. I had moved to a small house on some acreage in CO. As I pulled up to this house in an old pick up, down a long wooded driveway in front of the house was a huge tree. Mesmerized, starring into this tree I noticed it move towards the truck and the leaves of the tree took shape of my grandma’s face. All I could see was her. She smiled with this look of compassion that I will never forget. Her smile said a million words to me and provided the answer I sought. All I could hear was “it’s ok, they will understand. Within time, they will all understand.” Her love was just that – love. In it’s purest form. When I communicate with spirit there are times I have had the opportunity to see “love” in this form. It’s the most beautiful thing. Unbiased, pure white light. This love radiates from them like the glow of the rising morning sun.