a small white light

It was a “normal” evening like any other. I found myself on the couch with the computer on the cushion facing me. What a long work day. I leaned back to stretch and as I positioned myself again I seen there tiny ball of light. It was white and had a glow around it. So small. It was something spirit related but as I began to look into it more it disappeared as it flew into my stomach. Now I have seen allot and I mean ALLOT of strange things but this really made me stop in my tracks. There was something about this little ball of light. It seemed familiar. And I felt I had a connection with it but I had no idea how or why. it was the most beautiful ball of light I had ever seen. The fact that it disappeared into my stomach was odd to me. This doesn’t happen with spirit (in my experience).
Eventually I let it go but as the weeks went by I found myself again thinking about this tiny ball of light.
Last week I went grocery shopping. Stocking up on fresh cooking supplies and some favorites. I came home famished and began helping myself to pickles, sour cream and cold cut ham. If you have been following my blog, then you may see this as odd as I have been a vegan for some time.
Earlier this week my great grandma (my grandma’s mom)graced me with her presence again. But it was strange. She was pacing almost around the house all day. She was trying to tell me that she was watching over me and was here for me. I began to feel crowded as I knew my grandma was not the only spirit in the house as well. I could feel loved ones connected to my fiance. I feel confused but then again, I knew something was going on.
Ever since that ball of light I wondered if there was a chance that the spirit – the small ball of light was connected to me. And by connected to me, I mean literally. I thought maybe, I was pregnant.
After seeing grandma pacing. I knew I needed to take a test.
I found myself under the bright bathroom lights, peeing on a stick.
I put the stick on the bathroom lid behind me and considered myself crazy. “I’m not going to look at it, I’m not pregnant” I kept telling myself. But as I turned I took a big gulp as I watched one line appear strong and as the water moved further, there it was a second line. “What!” I held it closer to my eyes double checking – one line means not pregnant, two lines means pregnant…. Now I knew my grandma was here with me. Grandma comes when she feels she needs to be there for me.
which brings me to today. Somewhere between 4-6 weeks along.
What did this ball of light mean? What was it exactly? Was this another form of spirit trying to communicate with me to tell me I was pregnant? Did I see this light when the egg was implanting in my uterus? This is kind of a big deal because I felt like I had a bond somehow with this light. Is it possible I communicated with my unborn child? I have tons of questions. Amoungst all the new feelings coming over me about being mom I wonder how our relationship will be different because of my gift. Will I be able to communicate with him differently? Will he be like me? Will he have a gift?
I would give nearly anything in this world for this child to be born healthy. I can’t even describe the feeling but in my heart I already feel connected to it and I want to protect it with everything I have. Scared, excited, anxious… I feel it all.
I had dreams weeks ago of a little boy. Everything was white. I walked into a room and seen this toddler. He layed on the floor on his stomach. With his elbows holding up his head as he kicked his backlegs back and fourth while watching tv. As I entered the room he felt my presence. Not with his ears. He turned around and had this huge smile on his face. His smile was cheek to cheek and as I looked at him him I realized, he had my smile. And I smiled back. He had big eyes and although I seen myself in him, I also could see traits of someone else. He was beautiful. I woke up panicked and pulled on my fiances arm to wake him and tell him what I saw. As much as this may seem like a happy dream, to wake up and no longer see that face that you felt so connected to – felt like a punishment. It’s not easy to describe. This is not the first time I had seen this little boy either. When I first started speaking to my fiance I had a dream of delivering a baby in the hospital.

what does this all mean? How close to our future is our present? Do we have the ability to connect even with unborn children? My life is forever changed and only the future will hold the answers to all these questions.




The question of where is all began takes me far back. All the way back to when I was a baby.

There was something always different about me. Even my mother will admit that her pregnancy with me was different. It was beyond a mother daughter bond. Much deeper then that. I was born late. Almost 2 weeks late. On the evening of November 4th. From the moment I left my mothers stomach I never wanted to leave her side and we had a sort of psychic connection with how we would communicate with one another.
I remember many vivid parts of my childhood. Even what my cradle looked like and I remember never really being alone, even back then.

There were things I knew and things I didn’t understand. Some children have invisible friends, some had real friends. I had spirits.

Starting around the age of four when I could talk. I told my mom that I had to be a good person and help people so I could become an angel. I seemed to have this fascination with angels. And with helping people, animals and all living things.
My mom used to have these books perhaps gifts from friends that I found when I grew a little older. Books on angels. I remember snagging them, reading them, studding every page under the moonlight by my bed.

My mother will tell you that she heard me talking to someone/something pretty often and it was in a conversational way. This is when she noticed something was strange about this. I would tell her about things that she had no idea where I got it from. I would say what colors meant. Associating colors with feeling. I was maybe 6. she would ask me how I knew things and where I heard it from. I couldn’t answer.
I had many fears, more fears my mother said then an average child. I wanted to go to church and actually asked the church if I could help. They made me a teachers aide. I prayed everynight and wrote letters to God. I would cry myself to sleep hoping that the things I seen and heard would stop. They never did. I had a sort of guardian or something. it appeared to me as a man. Tall, dark hair and dark skin – he made me feel safe. He would always come whenever I was in trouble, upset and sometimes he was just there. I never knew his name as we didn’t converse like that. He was simply there for me not to feel alone and to find my courage.

I hated to be alone. The worst thing in the world to me was to be alone. When I was alone, I was not distracted and could hear and see things clearly. I remember many bad spirits by me. All the time. which was another reason I wanted to stay close to the church. I felt safe there. I felt God could hear me better when I was in his house so to speak. To this day, I struggle when alone. When I’m alone often I feel that something is not right in my life because I believe to love is to be loved, therefore you should be surrounded by those you love. Honestly speaking, and a little challenging to admit – If I’m alone often I find myself getting boasts of depression while questioning the love and promises others had made to me. It’s kinda like watering a plant so it will blossom. If you stop watering it, it will slowly start fading.

Nothing seemed to help and as I grew older so did my inquisitiveness mind and eventually the church grew frustrated with all my questions and said I was making trouble. I was asked to sit in the hall during class sometimes. I started writing journals, poems and short stories at age 7. It helped to put my feelings into words even if I was too young for the words to become complete sentences.

I loved to talk to people. I seemed to be always talking to everyone. With exception to kids my age. Making friends and keeping friends was never very easy. Atleast close girlfriends were far and few in between. I was different and people knew it. They just couldn’t put their finger on it. I was also “too nice.” With my lack of material attachments I kept giving away all my toys to those I felt needed them or wanted them more then myself. This frustrated my parents. So there became a large part of myself that I kept private. I found that if i just kept things above the surface I could blend more in but this was hard because to do so i had to at times be something i wasn’t. But atleast i wouldn’t be alone. By the time I hit highschool i wasn’t in the best place mentally. And it would take years to pull myself up and work towards a good relationship with God again.

Straight out of highschool I threw myself into the working world. Taking college courses on the side. At times I worked three jobs and had high goals set for myself. I moved away from home at 18. And bought my first home at 19. And it was there that I found myself alone once again. By the time I was 21 I was going out with my friends and trying to enjoy life as a normal 21 year old. I felt happy at times but still empty. I continued to deny anything I saw, felt and experienced ad convinced myself that I was normal. I knew inside that my childhood was far from normal, but that was childhood and I was a young lady now and so now I was “normal”…. I would wake up often feeling spirit and when I tried to ignore it, they came through my dreams. I started praying again on and off. and shared these things with my mother.

By the time i had just turned 29 my life had been through a roller-coaster. A bad marriage, a long divorce and back to that home that I purchased just 10 years prior. I had spent almost 2 years figuring myself out after the divorce and looking at what used to be a home, this house so empty – I felt alone. I repeated my same process of praying but after 29 years and having reflected on so much in my life, I realized something. This prayer for everything to stop had never been answered. Perhaps part of accepting myself was accepting this part of me as well. So one evening I lay alone and when I felt the presence of spirit I said that I wasn’t afraid anymore and that if they come, i will try to listen instead of pushing them away. And then I prayed to God saying that I promised to try to accept myself (his creation) as is moving forward. And apologized.

My life was never the same since. From that point moving forward something began changing in me. In that late November 2012 I felt a shift. I began seeing more clearly, accepting myself and loving myself more then I ever had before. When December rolled around I was not only seeing and hearing spirit but I was having visions again (I used to have visions as a child) about past, present and more importantly – about others. I also started seeing lights. Orbs, color blobs, colors from people etc. Later I would start to see some auras. By January 2013, I was being crowded. I could barely walk into a store or restaurant without being flooded with spirit. I could and did start talking with strangers about what I was told/shown from spirit. Besides a bunch of strangers that knew of this, my mother and significant other at the time were the only ones that I confided in. Which brings me to where I am today.
In 2013, I helped a good amount of people and learned so much more about myself. 2013 was a blessed year. If I can have one wish about 2014 it will be that I help even more people and continue to evolve spiritually, mentally and physically.

I do believe that our childhood does have a defining affect on us as people.
If we go back, we may realize how much more of ourselves we knew before the stress of being an adult blocked us from our true nature.

A subtle path


As people, how do we know what we are destine for? How can we begin to imagine what will unfold in our future or even what kind of person we will grow to become? We don’t. It’s simple. We walk a blind path of faith everyday armed with hope.

Living life with What I have, I have always felt a sense of uncertainty when it comes to communicating to others what I see, feel and know. Because I know that with whatever I say, it will impact them – deeply, on their path. I don’t want to be that one person speaking what others have not spoken about before me. “Sensitive topics!” And because I see spirit, you can assume that almost every topic in some way, shape or form are indeed “sensitive.”

As I move forward with my life I don’t find things necessarily getting easier in terms or communication. I find it growing more and more challenging.
After all, can you imagine trying to ask someone if their grandpa (moms dad) is dead? It certainly isn’t the best conversation starter. Also, the lights I am seeing around people and spirit are confusing to me at times. It’s not like a normal aura. I see these too sometimes but not a full aura. The most I have ever seen is maybe three layers at once. But I have seen different body forms like the astral body. It’s nothing full fledged though, very faint and I don’t see this often. Where the confusion comes in for me is with the colors (the light) I see. I don’t exactly always know what they mean especially if I am being distracted and can’t concentrate on what I am seeing. Also, I started seeing colors by spirit now versus just color blobs. For example, I was speaking to a close friend of mine. As I was speaking with her I started to feel spirit. In this particular case, I had a feeling as if someone walked into the room. I seen silver sparkles which looked like small stars. I could see clear and then foggy white colored formation. I felt anxious as someone was trying to get my attention. I proceeded to ignore this person so I could carry on a “normal” conversation. Many close to me have no idea about this gift I have. As she moved over and stood up I noticed a long purple light a couple feet away from her. I knew it was a man and I felt it was a grandfather. The light was from floor to around 6 ft or so. Which may indicate around his height. I felt the “purple” light was indicating her spiritual connection to this person. Perhaps she had prayed for him and he was watching over her. But I couldn’t be sure. As the whole lights thing is pretty new to me. I felt the tingling on my scalp (a normal feeling I have when spirit is present.) I continued ignoring this. Its a pretty hard thing to do….. Ignoring it. And depending on the person (spirit) sometimes it can be nearly impossible.

The only thing I can think to do, is to be subtle. When the moment is right and things are meant to be known it will unfold. I feel being to abrasive with others just is not harmonious. I know some people that are like me can be bold when delivering messages but in a way I feel they are doing this for two reasons. One, so they do not feel emotionally attached and also to soften the spirits that are communicating with them. I have felt inclined to do the same before for these two reasons as well but I don’t feel its very harmonious.

I believe we are supposed to be subtle on our paths. With one another, with the earth and everything around us.

A new Leaf


It’s been so long since I wrote. Everything in my life has changed. These last few months have been like no other and lead me to fully see how things are all apart of Gods/creators higher plan.

A couple weeks ago I lost my beloved Mallow. My dear cat who was apart of my everyday. Loosing Mallow made me question allot as he was only a young tike but slowly I am finding my way again and I of course still see him while he is on the other side.

I moved and no longer live in the same home or state that I had resided for almost my whole life.

I have been on this journey through heart. Each day learning that even though people may have some good intentions and traits, it doesn’t mean that they indeed good people. It’s up to each of us everyday, whether we let these people into my life. Never waste your time arguing or feeding into these people. When people speak in such tones, they actually have snake like dark colors coming from them around their throat area. It’s a very ugly thing and what they are putting out into the world is even worse. And when we remove these people, we learn how much more room in our hearts we have for our higher purpose.

I would have never guessed how much room in my heart I actually have until now. I am so blessed for all the good and the not so good things along my path. They have all helped me get to where I am today.

A couple months ago, I walked into a church for the first time in years. It was beautiful. The priest had a gold and a white light around him. A singer who sung during the service had a purple light. These people all seemed to have a white light around them as well. I loved going and I have continued to go since. What’s been really special is going there with loved ones. Sharing a spiritual place and time of peace is truly amazing.

As life continues to teach, I will continue to listen.

My life path

Those who know me best know how seriously I take gardening. Over the past six months, I have connected again with my roots and sunk my fingers in the soil of mother earth. Everything living, is like a gift and to be apart of it creates a divine connection between humans and spirit. At times I believe that if many understood the connection between all living things such as plants and spirit, they would have the answer to life in the palm of their hands. However this is not the case, atleast not with most people.

Some plants are known as medicines and for some reason this one particular plant or medicine was in my dream.

A few weeks ago I had this dream that didn’t really feel like a dream but I was not in this realm. I remember being outside somewhere. The terrain was dry, similar to the desert and I was walking along the road. This road looked familiar. Like one I had traveled down before. This road in my dream was supposed to signify my life path and although it had a direction already assigned to it, it seemed to be directed by someone or something else. I became determined to try to understand who was directing my life path. So I began searching along this road. The road turned from charcoal colors to colors of black and moved like waves in the ocean. I seen a figure or the outline of one and I knew this was the person so I began walking closer. As I got closer I realized this was not a person at all but a tall cacti. As I came up I seen the eyes, like waves of black oceans. “You have to listen and I’ll tell you where to go.” I heard. Telepathically I knew that this being was here to tell me my life path was changing. I woke.

Sometimes we just don’t have all the answers. Spirit or no spirit.
I’m unsure of the meaning behind this or why I had this dream/vision out of the blue. I am still trying to understand

Grandma Mildred


When most of us think about guardian angels we think of a sort of angel watching over us. Almost like we are their assignment, to watch over us with care and guidance. What we may not realize is that some of our guardian angels are passed loved ones.
I have been trying to poke at my mothers ancestry side for years. And I have been very good at being unsuccessful. Not from a spiritual level but just trying to understand the family line. There was something special about that particular family line. Over the past few months I have begun learning why. As I mentioned in other blogs, my mother is open a bit and so is my grandma. Both has had spiritual encounters and do believe in spirit.
My mothers friend talked her into going to a group session with a medium who specialized in working with loved ones who has passed on. Right away the woman walked over to my mom who was just another number in the room of 12-15 people. “I am drawn to you for some reason and I am unsure why” she said. My mother smiled. Knowing she is obviously my mother and the light I shine, does not shine far from my loved ones. The woman proceeded to tell my mom about her grandma (my mothers, mothers, mother who’s name was Mildred.) She said that her grandma, although she passed on early from cancer and didn’t get much time to spend with my mother – felt close to my mother. She said she thought my mom was a beautiful soul and she was actually one of my moms guardian angels. She also said that she not only watched over her but also one of the children. The medium said, “you have two kids – one girl and one boy.” My mom smiled again and said “I have two girls.” See this is very common, whenever my mom has readings they mistaken me for a boy which is funny because I was supposed to be a boy. Doctors and everything told my mother, I was a boy until I was born and clearly they seen I was infact a girl.
The lady proceeded, your grandma watches over your daughter closely. My mom said “my older daughter you mean?” And the lady proceeded, “no your daughter with the big, curly hair.” My mother smiled and laughed. I am the only on in the family with big, curly, hair. “Tell her, she has to finish her book.” So my mother called me up and told me about Grandma Mildred. “Have you ever communicated with my grandma?” She asked. “I wouldn’t really say communicated but I have felt her at times and I both think and talk about her often.” I have never met her, she died before my time and the family doesn’t speak of her. I find myself asking allot of questions at times just to better understand the family dynamics. “Please talk to my grandma my mother said.” Her words were like the worst tear-jerker card I have ever read, they hit a note on my spine made my knees feel weak with sympathy. It’s not that I didn’t want to speak to grandma Mildred, its that I have never been told that its ok. And deep down I feared that I disappointed her. Grandma Mildred was telling this medium about my not wild side but more of a open minded sometimes risk taking side which was another reason she watched over me.
And so I decided to work first on accepting this.
A few nights ago I was at my parents visiting when I seen spirit. Not just any spirit. It was grandma Mildred. She was just making hr presence known and wanted to be present as we were spending family time together. I gave my mom a signal and continued on with the evening. I had company over that evening and upon getting home from my parents, I feel asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. A few hours later my company woke up hearing someone calling my name in the family room. It was a lady’s voice and they called me as if they were looking for me. I slept right through this and the person who heard this thought he was dreaming until he realized he was awake and I was still sleeping. After waking he told me what happened and I knew, it was grandma Mildred. This person who was here does not know anything about spirit and although he didn’t talk about it much, he did mention- that he never had anything like that happen before. He even got up and looked to see who was calling me and found nothing. My goal this week is to let Mildred know she is welcome to come forward and for me to work harder on accepting this part of me. It’s been the hardest challenge of my life thus far.

A mothers wish


Its been a while since I wrote. I have been spending allot of time in nature and working on my life relationships. Life has been good to me. I feel I can breathe and embrace each day as they have been coming.

The other day I was at the salon getting my hair done. While talking to my colorist I felt a “mother” presence with me. She was the salon owners mother and she comes forward everytime I am there. I tired to continue carrying on my normal conversation but she was a little distracting. At one point a picture on the all dropped off and fell over. No one was near it and my colorist jumped and became very scared. I asked her to stay calm and insured her that it was just the owners mother making herself known and showing her persistence to be heard. My shampoo girl (who knows of my gift) came over and tried to convince me to speak to the owner regarding her mother. I was very hesitant as the owner had allot of issues. Most dominating were her anger issues. I try not to get too close when people have such large issues both for protection of myself and inability to understand the lack of wanting to change. It’s very confusing for me so most times I try to separate myself from the situation. As the shampoo girl was talking the mother really became impatient. It seemed she just really wanted me to let her daughter know that she is not gone and she is always by her side. I couldn’t understand why the persistence in this message so I told the shampoo girl and she said there was a psychic at the shop yesterday and the owner waited and waited. All she wanted was for her mother to come though and she never did. She said the owner cried as she had gone to many physics always searching to hear from her mother. Hearing this, I felt I had no choice. I could clearly understand why it was important. With about 100 foils on my head in a robe I went to the back of the salon and found myself in the owners office. I explained the message from her mother and some of things that needed to be shared. She cried and said all she ever wanted was to hear from her mother and couldn’t understand why she never came through. I explained to her that I don’t have all the answers but they do come through to certain people and during certain times when they feel best.

One of the lessons I learned from this was, you can’t always go looking for something. It’s not harmonious and its sometimes a waste of time because when things are ready to happen, they will happen. Later on in the afternoon the mother came through to me after I had left the salon. Her niece had a question for her and she had come through and given me the answer to deliver for her.