It’s been over 6 months, and I still find myself feeling lost in terms missing my beloved Mallow & Ollie. Everyday I wake a little bigger. Every moment in my day is filled with a reminder that I am caring for two. I couldn’t be happier about having a baby! A part of me wonders though if that hole will ever be filled where Mallow & Ollie are. I wonder if a baby fills all those empty areas and you feel pain no longer. As a new mom, I have no insight to this. But I do know my mom always had a beloved cat while pregnant, raising us and to this day.
It’s hard to explain what makes some animals feel more meaningful then others. For me, it’s intense. Mallow would see what I see. I would watch him looking at spirit when I would look at spirit. I seen him react to voices & negative presences. I felt like I finally had a friend that understood me after 30 years. His persistence to love kept me from clamming up and closing myself out from the world when I wanted to shut others out because I felt they didn’t understand. His neediness kept me on my toes, waking early and chasing the sunrise. And I always had someone waiting for me to come home everytime I left. my struggles without him have been kept private for a while some days are harder then others.
I know my child is special and when I say special I am saying that I feel she will be in tune like her mommy. But I long to raise this little one how I was raised. With love from family, friends and pets. I can tell by what I see when I communicate with her that there is something amazing about her. And I know god gave her to me for a reason. Having a cat helped me cope with all of my differences when I was a little girl. That and nature. I spent a significant amount of time in nature.
I feel like I have everything anyone could ever ask for. A good job, the ability to see and feel, a great family, a nice roof over my head and the blessing of a baby. Yet I still find myself in moments of sadness about Mallow & Ollie. I miss so much having that love from them. And wonder in my heart if things could ever be different so I could have a companion again. It’s amazing how many lives a pet can touch. My mom has cried so many times watching me deal with the loss and go through the phases and my father just wants to fix it.
I wonder in my heart, how many people have had spiritual connections with pets or animals. Mallow always had a light around him. Purple was very distinct in his aura.
I hope in life, more people can learn to understand the spiritual connection of an animal and why God put them on this earth with us.
A baby girl, Over 21 weeks moves in my tummy. I feel her kicks, twirls and movements now. But with each kick and each day my growing anxiety about the changes going on and going to take place continue to grow. I always said that if I had a girl, she would be like me. Meaning she would see & feel as I do. So many prayers I was thankful for a baby but hoped she would be normal (meaning not like me). How I am is passed down the line daughter to daughter in my family. I have the gift stronger then anyone else so I assumed if I had a girl she would have it even stronger. Naturally I feared this.
As the days move forward I continue trying to move naturally with it. Into motherhood. But I have so many fears. With the past few days I have tried to boil down my fears:
1.) hanna will be gifted like me – struggle as I did with it, deal with seclusion from others because of her differences and regret being my child.
2.) my birthing wishes will not be respected – When I am in pain and going through a large transition I have always needed separation time from others to go through the process of change. I have fears of the hospital room being crowded or even the hospital with family & friends while I am going through this huge transition when all I want is to go through it my own way. This thought renders me to tears.
3.) The pain and process of my birthing will be judged – When I am in pain I tend to make noises. I can’t imagine the noises I will make when going through labors. The cries, yells from pain and the birth itself. Being split open and literally having your inside’s pushed out. All I will be focused on is giving up a part of myself and moving into the transition of bearing a child using the fire from within. I don’t want to think about how I will look and sound. I don’t want anyone in the room or even near it except for my husband and even him I worry having to witness this.
I don’t worry whether or not I can handle the pain, I feel i will be guided in how to handle that during birth. I don’t worry about being a good mother, I know like everything in life – I will not fail and will continue to do my best. I don’t worry about how this will change my life, I feel everything will come naturally. It’s these three main issues.
I wonder how many mothers are out there who are psychic, mediums, empaths or clairvoyants and how their journey and children were affected by it.
I have never been good at asking for help. And I fear any help I ask from others on these three things will only make matters more complicated thus even more difficult on me.
Giving birth is a very spiritual transition. As a woman, we go through this spiritual journey, rendering ourselves for the health of our off-spring. I don’t think any words can be used to describe this emotional, physical and psychological journey that we must endure to give birth to life. Every woman’s journey is so different from the next but I wonder how it is for someone who is like me. Being so open spiritually.
If there is one thing that I have learned in my 30 years its that things are not always as they seem. This has applied to so much in my life. Everything from childhood to adulthood. As we follow our path of purpose we learn life in a very raw context. For me, I have always wanted to help people and the gift of seeing and feeling has allowed me to continue that path even if I don’t always understand what is being shown to me at that moment.
I remember when I was around 10. Going to a girlfriends house. I can still see what their home looked like. Where the rooms were, the way the kitchen looked but most of all the feeling in the home. There were 4 kids, one mother and no father present. The house was cute, a great size and painted with life from the outside. I remember going upstairs with my friend one time to talk to her mom, asking her permission to go play. I felt very strongly that the mother distraught. So while my friend finished up with chores I went back upstairs and went in her room to speak with her to try to make her feel better. She was a drug user and even at that age, I could tell she was not fully with it. I asked her why she was depressed and I sat down and spoke with her about her “adult problems.” As I came around more I seen what a bad atmosphere it was there. My friends sisters were scary abusive. They would beat her badly while the mom locked herself in her room. Yet, I found myself wanting to go back there to talk with the mother and help her. I felt I helped her on a very minimal level and to me it was not enough. Some things happened in that home that were hard for me to talk about for many years. Shortly after I had a moment of realization that I couldn’t help her. I endured a strong feeling of failure. And after I wondered for sometime why I was exposed to this.
Recently I have been having this occurrence lately in terms of spirit. Its happened a few times recently both in voice and appearance. A couple times I heard my husband or so I thought in the next room. He went from the bedroom then to a spare bedroom, move some things thus causing some noises then walked back into the bedroom. Thinking of course it was my husband I began talking to him. Not getting a response I found myself feeling curious. So I walked down the hall and in the master bedroom only to find the bathroom door closed. I asked him what he needed and he didn’t know what I was talking about. When I mentioned to him that I heard him he felt a little alarmed knowing of course that was impossible. He began checking to make sure no-one was in the house. This is the moment when I realized it was spirit I saw and not him. It happened again the other night but this time when he didn’t respond I knew better. As I walked down the hall I heard the restroom fan on and knew it was spirit again. This unfortunately is very familiar to me as it used to happen in my first marriage as well. There are a number of times where I seem to have issues distinguishing the living from spirit. Whether its at home or in public, I have found myself asking on several occasions “did you see that?”
I think some people may have a false perception of how life is for those who are open. Normal life, normal daily activities are not normal at all. Nothing really is. There is always something else going on and you are always aware of it. When I was little I came into this world on a mission to help others and was guided by spirit. Thirty years later, I am still struggling to understand as I see my gift change over the years and continue to develop. I don’t always have answers. But out of everything my biggest struggle has always remained consistent, its been with life in general. Normal day to day life…. Following my heart in spirit has taken me on a very tough path and has tested me on all levels to the point where I don’t see things the same as others anymore. Reality therefore continues to be what we make of it. We seem to define our own reality. As people as we continue to put our wants and needs ahead of what our purpose as people in life.
“I had a rough morning” I suppose we all have our ways of wording events that created feelings thus as a result.
I am one of those people who doesn’t get really mad easily. In fact, I try not to let such emotions run my life because at the end of the day, they are just that…. emotions.
For the first time in a very long time I was extremely angry the other day. When I began elevating this anger and allowing it to take control the strangest thing happened. I seen this anger! The anger manifested itself in a silver light but not the normal lovely shinning silver light I am used to seeing. A harsh silver lighting that actually stressed my eyes when looking at it. It was ugly and consuming. All I could see was this light coming from everywhere. All directions. I took out my phone and I couldn’t even read the keyboard. This silver was so shinny it was reflective. Perhaps this energy was reflecting itself back to me so I could feel directly what I was putting out. I have never seen anything like it and to see that it come from me, from my own doing, was hard to digest.
What does emotions look like? If you talk to some clairvoyant’s they may describe a color chart. In which all the colors have the same meaning. I myself do not believe this applies to everyone. For me, there has never been a manual to follow.
I believe if you work with the light it will directly speak in a language that you understand. I have never found the light mis-leading infact, anytime I have asked for guidance I have always been answered with love and grace.
Some examples of colors with specific meanings for me are as follows~ Pink – I see pink when there is allot of love. I will see it coming from a person and also around their center. Avocado green – this is not a pleasant color to see. I see this color when someone is so bogged down with stress that the person is actually beginning to get separated from their true nature due to stress. I will see a large white ball of light above some people when they are praying and have connected through prayer to their past loved ones. The ball of light signifies their loved ones present through prayer. This is not one I see often.
There is so much energy that we put out into the world everyday. With this said, t’s important to try to release the most positive and enlightening energy.
As I always say, each day we wake with a blank canvas and we are the artist who choose what colors to paint the day with.
There are no “normal” days for me. Infact I ponder these days what is actually considered “normal.” Is normal not feeling? Not seeing? As a child I always associated normal with a ability to blend in with others. To do as they do. See as they see. And so the dance continues. Growing older and having lived years with my differences, I have associated normal with Not feeling and not seeing “abnormalities.”
I recall starring apon my wooden cross as a kid praying to God begging him to make me normal. To make the things I see and feel stop. Tears flushing from my eyes. Growing older it resulted in lying to myself, telling myself I see and feel nothing. But the lies can’t last forever.
Being pregnant, and moving into motherhood there are no more lies. Everything is as raw as it gets. The comments people say, the size of your growing tummy, the ice cold beds you strap your feet into to get examined, but most of all – what you feel at the end of each day.
I know the relationship I have with my unborn child is not “normal.” When I want to see how many baby is doing I will put my hand on my stomach and then I see this silver ball/star. I know at that moment, its doing fine and I have no need to worry. When daddy is trying to communicate with it, I will see a light (a purple light) and I can then move his hand to where the baby is. When the doctor is looking up there… I can see the light again while she is looking to examine the uterus. When I am in a bad position I will see a dark gray ball/star and need to move so the baby is more comfortable. I can feel from my husbands touch how much love he has for me and the baby through his finger tips. Everyday I see my baby in light form and being the way I am, I am able to monitor its health and well being.
I went to church on Sunday with my husband. While listening to one of the pastors preach I always see spirit by him, walking, standing, in motion – etc. This is normal, however on Sunday I seen something I had never seen before. While he was preaching I was looking at layers of this aura, I seen his Causal body or Ketheric template but then I noticed something different behind him. Behind him stood a outline of a male, head and shoulders, atleast 1.5 feet taller then him and he is tall. Perfectly shaped. Like someone drew it. It was not the pastors aura it was actually something different. This was neither male nor female. It’s outline was an outline of a male but it actually looked to me as if it was conveying itself to be stronger then man. I saw this as some sort of guardian. It seemed this pastor was following his blue print of his calling but to such a high level and high connection that his guardian actually stood behind him. It was remarkable. I hadn’t seen this before in anyone.
As I sat there on Sunday seeing this I looked around, watching everyone listen to his words so graciously. I leaned back in my chair and looked down at my tummy. When my baby can hear (at 16 weeks) what will it feel to these these words. Will its communication with me change? I can’t help but wonder where the other moms like me are.
On Friday I have my first ultrasound appointment. It’s going to be very intense. About 2-3 times a week I see a little silver-white light around and in my stomach which is my babys light. So to actually see on a monitor how he/she is sitting or the shape of them is really going to be remarkable. What they are looking to confirm is if I am actually further along then 10 weeks. My pouch as I call it looks a little more then 10 weeks but perhaps I am just not use to seeing a little mommy pouch.
Spiritually things have been more intense. I seem to be picking up on more, perhaps its because I am so open spiritually and emotionally due to the pregnancy. I keep wondering how this whole pregnancy will be for me, someone who see’s, feels and knows. Who see’s beyond and communicates beyond. How will I be as a mother. There are so many questions. If its one thing I am sure of, its that this little one will be completely loved. My husband wants kids more then anything in life and I myself have always wanted to be a mother.
While doing my lightwork I keep seeing myself very pregnant and the light is all around me and my tummy. The same light as if we are one. I would have thought its light would have been different then my own as every being has its own light. For example, my husband has a dominate royal blue color and when I see him, I normally see this light very distinctively. I feel I am learning so much more spiritually because of how I am and the fact that I have life growing inside.
I a way, I feel scarred. I know for a fact, being so open I tend to take on other issues. It’s very tough on me spiritually and physically. When I read someone sometimes I have issues letting go when I see they are hurting. But now, its not just me I have to take care of, its this little one too. I find myself doing lightwork more and more now. If not for my sake, then I do it for the baby.
This past year has been such a eye opener on all levels. When I drive home from the store I always look up. Where we live there are bald eagles. And I think about all the places I wanted to see and live and embrace yet when I look up and see those eagle glide through the air, I realize its never been about the place where the eagle makes his nest. It’s how he glides and moves through the air.