June / July / August 2013 Journal Entries

Journal Entry  6-15-2013

I had this dream the other night that I can’t seem to stop thinking about.  I wasn’t doing anything significant in my dream but after each thing I did I came face to face with a yellowish – transparent colored scorpion.  When I turned on the kitchen sink one came out of the sink, or when I went to eat, one was on my plate.  My myself am a Scorpio sign but I felt this had nothing to do with this dream.

Later in the evening I seen this Native woman spirit again – I see her a couple times a week sometimes.  She wears a white dress.  The white dress moves like small tides in a steam.  She doesn’t communicate with me verbally.  She simply shows herself as to remind me of my road ahead – like to keep me on track.

I decided to look up scorpions to see Native meaning they held.  I believe in Animal totems so this is pretty normal for me.  After digging around I found a connection.  It seems there is a connection between spider woman and the scorpion and also there are some drawings of scorpions in Canyon De Chelly spider woman.  I just booked my trip to Arizona for the first week of July to visit Canyon De Chelly along with some other sacred spots.

It’s interesting as much as things may seem like they don’t make much sense, they actually make complete sense….

Journal Entry  6-20-2013

Today has been a very intense day.  Every morning I walk about five miles and today was no exception.  Walking to me is like meditation and I often connect when I walk.  While I was on my walk this morning I started to feel out of balance.  I felt light and started to loose my sense of ground.  Mentally I was somewhere else.  Almost like sleep walking but I wasn’t asleep, I was awake.

I seen myself in this place.  It’s a forest.  When I meditate I mentally always go to the same spot.  In a forest and in between a few trees.  When I go to this place I connect with the earth.  My fingers in the soil, connecting with the roots of the tree’s and feeling the vibrations.  The tree’s shoot up with huge branches filled with leaves and the sun shines above watching it all.  This is my spot.  Most people who meditate have a spot and this is mine.  I feel one with the forest and life when I am in this place.

There I was this morning under the tree again and connecting when I felt a presence.  There have been few times when anyone except for myself have been in this place with me and only one other person has been there.  I turned around and seen this Native man.  I have seen him before.  He was in a dream of mine a couple months ago.  He had a sharp look on his face and he wore a necklace made from a metal in the shape of a half moon or the way a smiley face is drawn.  He held his hand out to me and I was hesitant to look in it to see what he was handing me.  He grabbed my arm for me to follow him.  I followed him through the forest until the forest opened up and we stood at the opening almost like standing at a cliff looking down and all around.  He didn’t point but gestured his hands like to show me.  I looked and seen these huge canyons.  Not red but colors of orange, yellow and cream.  To the right was a very old village where it looked like humans once lived and made homes in the rock and to the left were large canyons.  The feeling I got from him and this was that he was physically taking me out of the forest (my comfort spot) and showing me the direction  I was supposed to be.  I had never ever had a spirit come into my special place and move me.  This was truly very unique for me.

Last night as I lied in bed I wished for a little direction.  I held some  stones and asked for some direction indirectly.  I feel this was answered this morning.

It’s always interesting to try to learn more about these “guides” or “spirits” who enter our life.  I told a friend about this occurrence this morning and he said “very few tribes wear that piece you are speaking of but I think I know exactly what you are speaking of.  Sure enough, he pulled out some history books on Native Americans and pointed out a page on the Iroquois and the hopi.  Picture after picture I seen this same necklace made from hammered copper but as it turns out it’s not a necklace at all its actually a “gorget”.  

gorget

I feel my request for direction was answered.

Journal Entry  6-23-2013

I had this dream last night that was really intense.  I was on the road – it looked like a journey I have done plenty of times.  One from the Southwest heading north or northwest.  I was driving and my sister was in the car with me.  This would have been our second journey together from the Southwest if this was more then a dream.  My sister and I don’t have the best relationship.  I love her dearly but it seems its always been complicated.  Perhaps its a result of our clear issue of not being able to communicate effectively about our feelings with one another.  None the less, the dream continues.

As we were driving back from the Southwest I seen these huge canyons and the road curved so sharply.  I had the GPS going and even the GPS had a hard time keeping up with these sharp curves of mother nature.  The sun began to set and it grew dark and the viability grew increasingly difficult.  I said my sister “I’m having difficulty seeing and I fear we will go off the road into the cliffs.  She didn’t wake as she was in a deep slumber.  I couldn’t give up, I yelled out louder “I can’t see, I can’t see”.  Still nothing.  I put on my glasses and still the vision was horrible.  I began to ease off the gas to slow down and just as I did the road curved so sharply and my vehicle fell off the side’s of the road and we began to fall into the deep bottom of the canyon – to death.  As we began falling my sister awoke and I apologized to her but my inability to see and keep the car steady, I felt terrible but as soon as my words were exchanged we were no longer “here” in this life.  I remember opening my eyes as quick as a blink and I was in this place.  It looked like the inside of a hotel but with extremely large plants, floor to ceiling.  I walked in and there was a lady before me who asked me to have a seat.  I asked “is my sister alive?”  She said “I’m sorry, she did not.”  I asked “did I make it.”  She said “you will have to wait.”  I got up and walked around, I was devastated but I had to stay strong.  As I looked across this room I seen this woman, she looked just liked my sister.  Could it be?  It was, I ran up to her, hugging her in my arms apologizing.  I asked how she had made it through.  They all said she had passed.  She had no idea but the important part was that we both were alive.

In life our inability to “see” can bring devastating results.  And if we can and do see I feel we have a responsibility to help others “see” life more clearly.  Life is not about death.  I am not scared of death.  What I am scared of, is going through life with my eyes closed and not having the opportunity to help others to open their eyes.

Journal Entry  6-26-2013

Between yesterday and today, it’s been a little unique.  Yesterday I noticed I was picking up on allot of smells.  And once again, while I was walking….  I could smell everything so strongly.  Who knows, perhaps its my nose but something felt “different.”  The way the grass reeked of alcohol and the whole area filled with dead grass where a gathering took place.  Why is it, that everywhere we touch we leave this trace or “interruption” or death of life?  Whether is be grass, tree’s, ants, mosquito.  Why do we constantly interrupt nature instead of living amongst it?  Who made us creator to decide?  Someday’s I feel emotional and other days I feel like shouting because everyday I walk through trash that people threw out their window while on my way to my favorite nature preserve.

On my walks, I always see spirit.  It never fails and there are times when I am shown more then just blobs of energy, light, words, pictures, etc.  There are times I am shown full figures.  Estimate here, 3 or so times a week on my walk I will see full figures.  These figures just watch and observe.  This is their home, the land – as it always was.  However, I see confusion from them in terms to what we are doing with their land.  
Journal Entry  6-29-2013

With only one more day before I leave for my trip to Arizona visiting both the Navajo & Hopi lands I’m already picking up on allot more spirit and specific messages.  I definitely feel distracted and am struggling keeping focus on anything.

Last night I visited my mother and we sewed a long skirt as I read this is respectable attire for visiting the lands.  The fabric had to be yellow.  No idea why but this is the message I got and after hours of sewing, yellow the skirt is!

I continue to hear these daily jabbers about New Mexico.  I still am unsure what is drawing me to New Mexico but specifically one of the places I feel I need to go to is Taos.  Since I first cut through the state, 10 years ago – I was fascinated with New Mexico.  The land for whatever reason.  I remembered stopping at this store, knowing what I now know today I believe we must have been on reservation lands.  There was a Native woman who ran the store.  Very kind and you could see in her face that her spirit had seen many things.  She had this dog that looked like a wolf and I remember leaving and the dog wanting to follow.  There was something about this woman, the store and the dog that I could never figure out and none the less New Mexico had touched my spirit and unknowingly I would spend the next 10 years trying to silent these “feelings.”

I tend to travel alone.  For me traveling alone is like diving into the deep blue ocean.  I have come to enjoy it however as much as we think solitude can help keep us focused and increase our knowledge its people that challenge us and challenges are overcome with change.  I believe there is the student and an observer as the student naturally closes off several senses when learning.  It’s then left up to an observer to become the “eyes “like night vision pointing out the outlines or outcomes of the gradual change within the student and to the environment around them.

For the past month or so I have felt like the puck in the game of air hockey.  Naturally (well un-naturally actually) the air moves the puck and the puck is then shoved around by outside forces driving the puck to slam into walls, ping back and forth and take a good knocking before finally making it into the goal.  But unlike the game, I am unsure what the goal is.  In life we are brought up to think we need a goal.  We need a plan or a specific agenda but in my experience I have seen this “agenda” or “plan” blind a person from evolving and we are using “time” as a measurement when time is something we as people created to keep ourselves on a “schedule.”  Therefore, I don’t want a plan.  I want to go with what my heart feels when it feels it.  Instead of planning where we feel we must plan I would like to instead mentally “prepare” for the new motions and rhythms of daily change.

Journal Entry 7-3-2013

Today I am still on Hopi lands.  This afternoon I plan on heading back to Sedona.  The journey here and everything I have experienced has been a echo to all my visions and dreams that I have been having my whole life.  Although I was able to connect the dots (I’ll put up a posting soon about everything I discovered) I am still very unsure what I am supposed to do with this knowledge.  I am sure the rest will come within time.  My thoughts, emotions and spirit has been running on high speed since I arrived.  There are moments I laugh, cry and feel angry.  Yet I am unsure why.  Sometimes the feelings are so intense I don’t know how I will pull myself out of it.  I can’t imagine the struggle the people who live here feel on a daily basis.

The Hopi’s value on family has been an eye opener and I can not help but reflect onto the culture I was born and raised with and myself as an individual.  I have never experienced a culture that has valued reproduction so highly.  Then teaching their children what their parents, grandparents and their parents taught them.  This is passed down through generation.  When I asked him how he does it all – active in his culture & community, works two jobs, has a wonderful wife and four kids – he simply said “you find someone that will always be there.”  In my journal entries I generally list how I feel on a personal level and some spirit experiences.  When asked how I felt yesterday it was beyond words.  It feels like some flipped the world as I viewed it upside down.  You think you know and then you see and feel and you realize that what you seen was only a bread crumb into the bigger picture of the wheel of life and we each have a part and a responsibility in this wheel as people.

Journal Entry 7-6-2013

Today I had a four hour tour with a group to go up to Mystic Vista (one of the vortex spots).  The tour was a sunset tour so I walked around town before hand.  Walking around Sedona really is like no other.  I met atleast 40 people.  And when I say met I mean I engaged in conversations with 40 people.  People come and go, some visiting and others living there.  Everyone has a story that they want to tell and return they want to hear yours.  One that touched my heart was a middle aged lady worked in a clothing store I moseyed in.  She was a pretty lady and you could tell that she had an artistic flare hidden underneath her normal attire.  I could tell upon entering that she didn’t trust and did not feel very secure.  She was delicate.  Had been through allot.  She gave a small “hi” and then I went about my way to give her space.  I cracked a few jokes as she walked by to perk up a smile and sure enough it worked.  We began talking and after some questions I divulged that I had a gift.  Her eyes grew large as a big smile grew cheek to cheek.  She was beaming with excitement.  She told me that she was open and said she wanted to hear what I had to say about her.  I asked her if she was sure and said my normal wording that I didn’t want to invade her personal space and she still insisted.  She was hurt in her life, by a man.  Her first husband.  Inside she really thought he was the one and that was it.  She never wanted to be a divorced woman and because this dream of a perfect marriage was broken she kept blaming herself.  She had a off and on again boyfriend but the pain she went through with her first husband she still held onto.  Because her heart was not healed she would react out of character at times to things that didn’t call for it.  We spoke for a while about some other things I saw and I showed her some ways she could heal her heart and give off a new light in her life.  It was key that she did this as I seen some major events in her future but first she had to heal her heart.  As we spoke her face flooded with tears and I felt terrible as she was working and the tears kept coming.  She was so thankful when I went to go leave that it filled my heart to feel her excited about the upcoming days.

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Journal Entry 7-7-2013

Today was eventful and life changing in many ways.  At 2:00 am I woke as I had a very intense dream.  Simply put I was being attached by a wild hog and although I yelled for help, no-one could help.  My old dog Heidi who was always my protector when I was younger came to my rescue but even Heidi could not fight off the wild hog and eventually rolled on her side as a sign of defeat.  I watched as life events passed me by as I was trying to fight off this wild hog and still it consumed me at all levels of my being.  I woke, tearing off the covers and leaping from bed.  I knew in my heart some matters in my personal life needed to be handled.  I no longer felt a blanket of protection and the same blanket that provided love and warmth.  It was gone and I needed to talk about the situation.  There is a saying, “the grass is not always greener on the other side” I think its important that we as people remember this.  Many people in life want different things.  Life is so exciting!  There is always something new to learn and ways to evolve as people but when we stop listening to out heart or put our love aside as people we are missing out on the true divine connection that each one of us has been blessed with.  The ability to love.  In this situation become obvious in conversation it was time to break paths.  It is sad as sometimes we feel mislead among some other feelings but I couldn’t help but feel like a fish back in the water moving up stream with the currents.  The water felt invigorating and uplifting as I just couldn’t help but feel the water and everything more intensely around me.  Sometimes it doesn’t matter if the glass is half empty or half full, its how we drink it.

The Airplane – My flight was scheduled for the late evening.  I hopped on my 6:45 flight and was sandwiched between a male and female.  The lady right away smiled and we started gabbing away like two old girlfriends even before the plan took off.  I guess we all have our “things” right.  And in this case I couldn’t help but really notice mine.  When I start tuning into people, most of the time I do this hand rubbing thing.  It’s kind of off odd.  It just looks like I am messaging my left hand with my right hand but I can’t seem to break it.  It seems to distract me from the conversation so I can “hear” or tune in and catch things.  So she is talking and I am tuning in, I can’t help it.  This woman was probably one of the nicest people I have ever met.  When I say that, I mean her heart was all pure.  She would give her shirt off her back from probably anyone if she knew it could help them.  She was a beautiful soul.  There was a problem however.  She was in a very unhealthy relationship.  The person she was with was her polar opposite and to the extreme.  He was very loud, in your face about everything, materialistic, took advantage of her financially, controlling and deep down jealous of her as a person.  She kept trying to think he will change because she loved him but she knew deep down she deserved better.  She just wasn’t ready to leave him.  I told her some things I felt she needed to hear.  I did not want to invade in her personal space or sway her one way or another but there was some things about herself she needed to hear.  And also her sister was having a baby and I felt it was going to be a boy.  We ended up talking until I picked up my luggage after the flight – over four hours straight.  She cried and I felt bad about that.  I feel like all I make people do at times is cry but realizing most of us react from emotions I try not to let it affect me and the message I am trying to deliver.  As it turns out, we decided that in that time we had became too great of friends to say goodbye.  As she travels here for work every two weeks, we made a promise to each-other to always make time if we can to meet up.  She also said if I ever wanted a job that she would hire me in a heart beat both with my background and gift she felt I would flourish.  I felt so warm.  I had never talked to someone on a spiritual level and career level – combined.  It felt amazing.

Each day I grow closer to accepting my gift and accepting that fact that its part of me.  After having a huge realization today I realized that I need to spend the time to properly develop this better by working with some professionals.  There is a lady who teaches a six week workshop out of California.  Right next to a mountain.  Her book has been my bible.  It’s time to sign up or atleast start preparing to do so.  I know in my heart if I work with others like me, I will feel better and start trusting myself and everything more.

My mother and her friend went to a psychic she has been going to for years and of course everything about everything came up.  Some of my personal life and mostly my gift.  She said what I already knew and that’s not only do I have a problem accepting my gift but that I think a man will not accept my gift either.  She says I view it like something that will go away and one day I will just be normal.  She said that its the furthest from the truth.  She said this is my life path and it will be a huge part of my whole life moving forward but that I need to accept it.  They say that we are our own worst enemy and this is true in this situation.  Even someone like me needs to hear these things sometimes.  She also said that my family will accept me and that nearly made me tear up out of all the things my mother relayed to me from her. She mentioned that once I accept myself and my gift someone really wonderful will come into my life and that he will be a very kind person.

On the way to Phoenix from Sedona I was rushed with a flurry of words that needed to be passed to my sister.  So quickly grabbed for the phone in the dead stop as traffic was backed up and texted her what I felt.  As traffic moved up about five feet I noticed on my left hand side was a dead female dear.  This was symbolic to me as my message to her said “I think we should talk, I love you.  You are my only sister and I am so sorry I ever hurt you.  You are apart of my everyday whether you feel it or not.  You don’t have to reply but just know that I love you dearly.”  The deer is a symbol of unconditional love, gentleness and kindness.  I do believe in my heart – dead or alive, that the deer helped show we the light.  Her reply “I love you too.”

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Journal Entry 7-8-2013

I only slept about three hours but somehow or another I felt pretty refreshed to start the day.  I tried to walk but this morning was a little too rainy so I only made it half way.  The walk though was enlightening.   I felt some many things.  I seen myself in in the close future and I was doing yoga or Pilates something but I was beaming, just glowing.  The energy around me was so aligned.  I had the biggest smile on my face and it was in that moment I saw that I realized how much of myself I have neglected.  You know I walk, do aerobics sometimes but this was different.  What I was doing, was not really about the body it was about the mind through the body.  I haven’t experienced that before.  It inspired me to work on my inner and outer self more.  Even though time is limited in each day, its us who created the concept of time so in all reality, there is always time.

Journal Entry 7-9-2013

Things are picking up.  There has been a notable shift and I feel it in every ounce of my being.  The shift feels good though its not negative but I feel a bit like a nut that has just been cracked open.  It’s strange.

During my bath today I closed my eyes and I fell into this meditation stage.  It always seems to happen.  All of a sudden I seen striking purple clouds and emerald green clouds moving and intertwining.  The green eventually disappeared into the black background and now it was just purple clouds.  A circle began to form and I felt myself being sucked in like a magnet.  I moved further and further into this tunnel.  I seen to my left flashes of my life but I didn’t want to stop to watch the picture show I choose to keep going instead.  I knew my body was in the tub and at moments I could see myself above it.  I entered this blank realm.  Everything was black.  I stayed there trying to listen but I could feel my body needs still.  I felt hunger.  I associated this as a false need.  A simple “need” of the body like many others and continued to stay.  As the need grew louder I knew it was time to head back.  I felt myself pull myself out of it and I flipped open my eyes.  Visually I seen a black hole in front of me.  It stayed there for maybe 1-2 minutes and then slowly it began to disappear.  I seen huge white orbs – spirits moving around the tub.  I opened and closed my eyes and when I did this I seen all silver lightening.  Like a spider web of all silver.  I felt like someone sucked the life out of me.  I was beyond drained.

Baths are never seem to be normal for me.

Journal Entry 7-10-2013

Today was a first for me.  My mother called and for the first time actually asked me to use my gift and tell her what I saw.  I was touched.  It was about an opportunity for my father.  Instantly I heard cash flow problem.  I could see the man in charge of this business was a good man and meant well but he was a little bit in between a rock and a hard spot.  To buy something he would have to buy another then pay an additional resource.  That’s allot of cash to come up.  I seen him missing the planning stage.  It seemed he was a little all over the place trying to stay on top of the businesses he already had but in the meanwhile he wanted to grow and expand his business.  He was coming off almost like he was blowing my dad off or just wish-washy but the truth was he just hadn’t sat down to make a plan of how financially to make this work.  I could see my dad getting sensitive about the situation but the best thing he could do is just lay low.  Don’t put too much into it but don’t also plan around it as well.  He needs some time to form a plan and then start putting the plan into gear.  We spoke a little more about it.  It felt good that my mother believed in me so much that asked what I saw.  After I finished she said, you know I know your right about the cash flow problem because at dinner his wife who handles the finances was saying something about the money involved.

Journal Entry 7-13-2013

Things have been going good.  Very busy, but good.  These next 2 weeks will be very intense weeks for me.  There are allot of changes going on between my work, personal like and physically as well.  I spent all day today working on the house.  This environment needed to be cleaned.   It’s actually been a week long process.  Everyday I am doing house blessing and clearing space.  This weekend I began using some Feng Shui techniques to balance the house and create my sacred space.  It’s been going well but its a long work in process.  Today I’m here and perhaps tomorrow I will still be living here too or perhaps not but in the time being its important that this space comes to shine the same colors as I do.  I’m struggling finding some of the necessary plants needed so it looks like I will be ordering some online.  With the changes done already I feel a sense of lightness and calmness.

Journal Entry 7-15-2013

On the flip side of things I have been communicating with an author of one of my favorite books.  She has a school in CA that I am looking into.  I have never been a fan of CA.  However this school looks like it can help me evolve and its next to a mountain which is pretty awesome.  It seems pretty affordable but to complete the whole program it would take a little under a year so I would need to relocate.  The classes start in early October so I guess I better start thinking more seriously about it.

Journal Entry 7-23-2013

I have been working on my light work consistently for the past couple weeks.  Recently I decided to take it further and practice using the element of water.  It’s taken my work to a whole new level as I am a water sign and I feel an instant connect when I use the element.

I went into the bath this morning and under my white candle burning I went through my light work.  Working on cleansing, blessings and peace.  I felt surrounded my the light and I could see myself beaming from the connection.  For the first time I could see my soul light.  As I took in these lights, I could see my self my spirit.  It was beautiful.  It wasn’t cloths, makeup or anything like this.  This was my spirit and it was amazing.  It made sense now, all of it was clear.  I closed my book and just leaned back and closed my eyes.  I felt a sharp headache and felt a tinging above my two eyes in my forehead area.  With my eyes closed I began seeing these green clouds forming and moving all around.  The light spoke to me and I said “the way had become cloudy, I am having trouble seeing the way.”  I heard “look within and you will see the way.”  “I feel lost within the lost I said” I felt a pressure on my left hand like someone was holding it down.  The green light started to clear and I could see a blackish-purple hole forming.  This hole gulped me and I began moving extremely fast through it.  I continued to feel this pressure on my hand and it grew heavier and heavier.  I seen pictures of myself when I was 8 then 6 then five, three and then I seen myself in my mother womb.  Everything cleared and I seen black.  It was like looking into the night sky with little silver and purple stars.  I felt sick, like I was going to throw up.  I pulled myself out of it feeling like I couldn’t get enough air.  Similar effect like swimming under water for a period of time then arising to the surface and gasping for air.  I pulled the drain out and thought I was going to be sick.  My stomach was ill for a bit.

After I heavily cleansed the house as I felt it was time.

I see my way now and its very clear.  There is no further confusion.

———————-

There are times I wonder what it would be like to be “normal.”  To have normal and simple relationships with people.  Friend – friend, boyfriend – boyfriend, parent – parent.  To not “feel” or “know” what I do.  The truth is, everything always seems to get fuzzy.

This happens all the time.  Over the weekend I met a new friend through a friend.  He was actually a tattoo artist and glass artist.  He complimented my huge Amber necklace with phenecite.  We got into a conversation about Amber – being a stone of protection and how it resonated with me, yada yada.  Sooner then later into the conversation I began speaking more about him as  I could feel he felt the need to talk about some issues he was having.  He was very open to input to of course I told him what I saw and felt.  I was pretty forward and didn’t shy away from any topics.  He couldn’t stop smiling and I even said how happy he was to see the insight I shared with him and right away he began planning away….

In my experience either a man is intrigued by a woman who knows and can see or he is threatened by her.  The ones that are intrigued confuse the lines often.  When I am reading someone there is no emotion.  I am not establishing an inner connection with this person so to speak, I am actually refraining from any emotional connection or attachment.  I am simply reading the energy that I feel and listening to any messages I am receiving while speaking to them.  This has killed my great memory skills because I tend to remember the situation in terms of spirit and energy more then the verbiage coming from the person when I am doing this.

I began to notice somethings about the way a woman reacts to me and the way a man reacts to me when I am reading them.  They are both very different yet very similar.When connecting with someone on this level like the man from above.  He then see’s me in a different light.  When a man feels that you “see” him and see all of him.  He see’s you in a way as being “the one” so to speak but not really.  You see him in a way a woman has not seen him yet.  I can feel the energy shift everytime this happens as their “light begins” to change.  Their eyes become softer and they begin to give off a pink light.  Some even unintentionally move closer in when speaking to me.  When a woman feels that you “see” her she does not not want to let go.  She doesn’t want you to leave.  She wants to talk more, visit, heck even become best friends.  I have had woman nearly chase me down scribbling down their contact info.  I feel her light change too but most of the time it changes into a form of attachment.

While both of these may seem not very healthy for either I notice often that what creates change most often in men is love and for woman it takes someone leaving them when they didn’t want to let go.  A man learns allot through love.  He learns allot about life through love.  A woman learns allot when she stands tall on her own and can feel the world at the bottom of her feet.  She finds herself and her inner voice through this break of attachment.

Being “normal” may make things simple.  People interaction, relationships, etc.  But you know what I’ve just never really been a simple kinda girl.

Journal Entry 7-27-2013

I feel my journey is on high-speed.  The more light work I do, the more in touch I become with myself and spirit. Although there is allot of work that needs to be done!  I am feeling a more harmonious tuning in terms of spirit.  At times when the volume increases I am noticing the reasoning behind it.  For example, I notice when I talk to people – when I’m in conversation the volume increases dramatically.  On all levels.  Hearing, seeing and feeling.

Today was the day.  I needed to establish a connection and today was the choosen day I felt to do so.  Upon searching for some spiritual healers I found a website called “The Native American Church of Four Rivers.”  I have heard of the Native American Church before and read about it upon hearing a friend reading a paragraph from a book concerning the tipi’s being set up in the East.  As this is the direction some Native spirits have come to in. Standing before my window facing East.  It was then, I appreciated the true words being read to me from this book.

I wrote a very vague e-mail concerning my troubles.  My troubles being acceptance of my gift (something I have gotten allot better with but still needs work) and a foundation of understanding.  I was not brought up in a culture or community that accepted this sort of thing.  And I won;t deny that my anxieties around this stem from this.  When I was younger I was told that this was devils work.  Imagine what that did to a little girl who communicated with the dead.  I will be honest here, I do need help.  If anything  – I need a sense of community.

I received a reply back shortly there after.  It was a nice fellow and he wanted to know what kind of issue I needed help with.  I advised him I really didn’t want anyone to think I was crazy but told him how I communicate with spirit then listed my struggles as I listed above.  He said “we don’t think your crazy as this is something we are very familiar with and we neither care about your race or religious background.”  He also asked if the number 122 had significant meaning to me.  I wrote back expressing my gratitude for the open mindedness of the church as spirit seemed to care less concerning my race and religious background as well.  The number 122 has significant meaning to me and those that know me well enough know first hand what this means and I explained this.  He agreed that he could see spirit has pointed out that this connection is indeed harmonious.  We exchanged a few communications among each-other and agreed upon a time for a phone conversation/healing session.

I feel very excited, nervous and anxious.  My headaches started acting up again and I feel I must prepare myself spiritually for this connection by cleaning my mind, environment and heart.  It’s important all are aligned and ready for this connection so I can understand and communicate from the highest light.

Journal Entry 7-30-2013

Yesterday evening I walked a few miles.  It’s been raining here for days so I’ve felt a little deprived form connecting with Nature and spirit outside.  Everything felt so clear.  My thoughts, my emotions, everything was in harmony and a state of peace.  While on my walk I had this intense thought and I knew it was time.  It was time for me to speak with my spirit guides but in a way very different then when I communicated with them in the past.  There was something very important to me that I needed to communicate with them about.  I came home an selectively choose some stones.  I made a large square, large enough for my body inside an in each corner I put a white candle.  I laid down and instantly I felt the hairs on my head stand.  I could feel spirit all around me and they brought a calming sensation with their presence.  I made my promise to them and asked advised something I needed assistance with and went on my way.  I have no idea why I felt I needed to communicate with them in this way.  With the candles and Crystals.  I felt though that I was showing a sign of respect.  As I am humble an was surrounded by pieces of this earth, pieces of the great spirits creation.

Today I woke up and reached out to a friend I had just made through the Native American Church.  I asked him, what energy/medicines involved working with the hands.  He named a number of them, anything from reiki to Qigong.  And then I seen Elats Kowat.  This stuck out to me instantly.  I advised him I wanted to learn to this.  He said the word actually refers to a burrowing animal, the imagery is creating tunnels beneath the surface. Elats Kowats is from the Native peoples of the Northwest, and is taught within the Native American Church.  He said he would get me in touch with someone who could help and promised to swing back within a couple days.  I was very excited to hear this!  As I know on my journey that I have allot to learn if I continue to want to help people for the greater good.  I still plan on attending the class on Reiki even though I do not feel it is my true calling.  It’s better to become as well rounded as possible.

Journal Entry 8-7-2013

It’s been a while since I wrote a journal entry and there’s been allot going on since July.  In regards to the Native American Church.  The class sounded really exciting but to learn I was advised that I would need to join their church which was actually a church branch associated with the Native American church.  There was a fee involved too.  A pretty large one.  After thinking about it, I just didn’t feel right about it.  I knew a fair amount about the Native American church but this church I didn’t know much about therefore I couldn’t have respect for it.  I also didn’t feel it right to pay to join and that every member was considered a medicine person.  I really liked the folks that run the Four Rivers and I also have allot of respect for them but that church that rolls up another church was the church I just didn’t see eye to eye with.  So I decided to let time take it course which mean’t I wound’t be able to learn Elats Kowats, atleast not yet.

On another note, I had been thinking of doing a cleanse for a long time.  A very long time as a matter a fact.  The last time I did one was over 4 years ago and I didn’t even finish it.  On Sunday (4 days ago) I noticed that I couldn’t wait any longer (see blog called “My Spiritual and Emotional Cleanse.”).  Today is day four and oh boy what a day it is so far.  I started the morning sick again like yesterday but the good news is, the sickness passes rather quickly.  I am amazed that I am on day for without eating any solid foods.  Like most people, I imagined myself dying after not eating for four days, how wrong I was.  It’s apparent to me how much effort is put into eating now.  See I’m practically a vegan.  I say that because its only rare occasions that I have cheese other then that my daily diet doesn’t include any meat or dairy products.  As much as I love animals, this is not my reason for being a vegan.  I’m a vegan because of severe food allergies and digestive issues.  For me, it was very easy to eat this way because I grew up all my life preferring this method of eating because even when I was little I could see that I just “felt better.”  Even with eating this healthy, not taking any meds and no caffeine – my body obviously had a built up.

My goal is 10 days but even after 10 days you have to continue winding your body off of it.  Which means your still on pretty much a liquid diet with a smoothie added or a handful of raw veggies for a meal a day.  So the total commitment is atleast 13 days.  I would love to do this more but as you know, eating is also a social part and with my life that social piece is not only part of my job but also part of my life for maintaining relationships.  People have mixed feelings about this type of thing.  Some are really supportive as they have had health issues themselves and can value someone making the effort.  While others just think its extreme and your nuts.  There is nothing easy about this.  Even if your not hungry, it takes a large conscious effort to break yourself from your routine eating when your hungry.  You have to re-wire yourself so to speak.  Also there is a emotional piece to this as well.  Food is comforting.  It nourishes our body in a energetic level which in tern nourishes us on a psychological level.  When we remove food as the nourish-er we are forced to delve inward for nourishment.  we are forcing our body and mind to find another means of nourishment after “X” amount of years.  29 years for me.  This is a big deal.  This is where the spiritual part starts to begin.  We discover new things about ourselves.  Whether it be strengths or areas of improvement.  There is a level of enlightenment and clarity that comes.  I have seen this a little so far but its said that this comes later in the cleanse so I expect to feel and see more.  For someone like me, who is already spiritual – I am really looking forward to this.

Journal Entry 8-8-2013

Things have been interesting to say the least.  I have been continuing to do my light work and I am now starting to really progress with it.  I wish everyone could try it and feel the difference it can make in their lives.  I have been dealing some heavy, really negative people lately.  What’s the best thing you can do when someone makes their problems yours, yells at you, hurtful or just plain out childish?  The best thing you can do is nothing.  Do not, get riled up.  Do not yell back or say fighting words.  Let that negative energy stay with them and do not allow it into your energy field.  This is not not easy at first and takes allot of training.  You start to develop a strong stomach as I call it because one of the things that used to happen to me when I was bothered is I couldn’t hold anything down.  When I was in my younger teens I went through a phase and was pretty negative in words with people and because I dealt with spirit all my life this really attracted some bad things to me.  Not only that but I stayed in that same negative space.  It was so consuming, like a black hole.  I let those words eat at my spirit.

My goal everyday that I wake up is to be the whitest light I can be.  To be strong, pure and so positive that all the bad will bounce right off of me.  There are days I spent almost 3 hours all together working on this.  As you can see how important this is to me.  In the end you see, its not just about me.  It’s about anything I touch.  If I am that white light who is so pure, anything I touch will feel that light and its contagious so others will feel this positive energy too. If I allow these negative things in, I am unintentionally exposing others to this as well because I would be carrying this energy with me wherever I go.  It may feel at times that you are taking punches but isn’t it more inspiring to see you still standing and inspiring others for the better after taking all those punches?

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