I still think of my Mallow. I pray to God often to talk to him about my beloved companion who I miss so dearly. Privately, I pray that I will be blessed again with a Birman kitty. The relationship I had with Mallow was different. He could see spirit as I did and would look at it as I was. I felt like I had someone, even if it was a cat to share my most private secret with and in a way it made me feel a little normal. I mean if an animal can see it, whats the big deal if I can. I know in this life, I will never be able to hold him again or share my pregnancy with him and feel his company while I am alone. But I question life allot. Is this really what God would want me to give up and for what? Would he really want me unhappy? I don’t think so. I wish life did not have to be so much giving all the time. I wish for once, I could be receiving. It seems I always end up with a glass empty.
I thought it was a good time to start writing in my journal again. It seems as I get closer to the light, I have more to say as I tend to do more reflecting on myself and on my life.
If you told me a year ago where I would be today I wouldn’t have believed it.
I started having visions of myself getting married in the middle July of last year.
I met my husband in the beginning of August. I knew he was special. It didn’t take long for me to see what a great person he was and fall deeply in love with him. Around the beginning of August when we first started talking, I began having visions and dreams about a baby. It first started with me being pregnant with a little boy then those visions and dreams grew more intense showing me giving birth and eventually seeing my child up to age 4. It was always a brown haired boy with my smile. The dreams and visions rendered me to tears. They were as real as it gets. At the time I had no idea why I kept having these dreams out of nowhere especially right upon entering a relationship. I hadn’t ever had visions like that in that timing.
Within a short amount of time I understood why I had those visions of marrying again and after my husband got down on one knee it all made perfect sense. On Friday I will be 14 weeks and tonight I had a moment of reflection of how the visions and dreams make even more sense now. I never seen what the father looked like in my visions and dreams only child. But he was there and the only one with me besides the doctor in the delivery room. In 6 more weeks I find out the sex of the baby and I will be shocked if it isn’t a boy because of my dreams and visions.
Everyone says love should be easy. I believe this to a certain degree. Loving someone is easy when you find the one, your other half. But the journey is still just that, a journey. It’s filled with twists, turns and tests to see if you grow closer or further apart as a result. When you do not get closer thus as a result I feel it puts a certain amount of distance on the relationship. Marriages do not come with instruction manuals. But they do come with feelings. Sometimes feelings speak louder then words and its because of feelings that actions are created.
I started walking again about a week ago. I’m up to 8 miles in one day. Taking it slow for the baby. As I walk to look at my life and me as a person. What do I want to accomplish? Do I have the support I need? What is one thing I can work on everyday? I always seem to go through all these questions. But the other day I could really see clearly.
My main goal is to be surrounded with love. Giving and receiving constantly. Spiritual, physical, psychological. All three are equally important because you need all three to be in harmony. To me, love is life. When there is love from all angles, you feel a warm blanket around you. A sense of harmony and peace from within. What I would like to accomplish is helping others.