I had a dream the other night that I was seeing this man. He wasn’t a good spirit by any means. I was scared of this being.
It took me almost a full day to understand this dream.
I’m 31 years old and my mother is still telling me to be myself. She says “I would give allot to see even a glimpse of what you see, yet you still just want to fit in. You will never fit in and the sooner you except yourself, the easier it will be on your daughter if you find out she’s special too. Don’t you think God made you this way for a reason” Needless to say, her visit made me reflect allot.
I hide behind an anonymous blog. No name, no photo. Nothing traceable. Because of fear. Fear is my worst enemy at all levels. I fear that someone will find out my secrets, I fear that someone will think I’m nuts, I fear the things I see at times because I don’t understand them. I don’t understand why I see the things I see. I’m so focused on the “why am I seeing these things” that I miss the message.
I have all these church friends now who are just wonderful and every Sunday I obsess about trying to look perfect and fit in but I don’t need to “fit in.” I am me and I’m different and no matter if my hair is perfect or not, I’m still going to be me. Once I accept that I will feel better about the way I am and my relationships with others. I still struggle to find one religion that sums up what I believe in and explains what I see everyday of my life. My belief in god is extremely strong but its hard to pin myself to one religion.
I still have these urges all the time! To travel. To go to the southwest and live among the canyons. To step out of my high-level job and follow my heart. To align my life work to helping others. How fulfilling this would be! I wonder how great it would be to get to know others like myself. I feel a little part of me dying as I try to mold myself into others who don’t see spirit, who don’t see aura’s and who don’t feel others emotions. Just talking about it and not pretending its not there makes it better but to suppress it everyday is depressing. I wonder how others deal in their lives. Wives, mothers, friends, sisters.