Fear of myself

I had a dream the other night that I was seeing this man.  He wasn’t a good spirit by any means.  I was scared of this being.

It took me almost a full day to understand this dream.

I’m 31 years old and my mother is still telling me to be myself.  She says “I would give allot to see even a glimpse of what you see, yet you still just want to fit in.  You will never fit in and the sooner you except yourself, the easier it will be on your daughter if you find out she’s special too.  Don’t you think God made you this way for a reason”  Needless to say, her visit made me reflect allot.

I hide behind an anonymous blog.  No name, no photo.  Nothing traceable.  Because of fear.  Fear is my worst enemy at all levels.  I fear that someone will find out my secrets, I fear that someone will think I’m nuts, I fear the things I see at times because I don’t understand them.  I don’t understand why I see the things I see.  I’m so focused on the “why am I seeing these things” that I miss the message.

I have all these church friends now who are just wonderful and every Sunday I obsess about trying to look perfect and fit in but I don’t need to “fit in.”  I am me and I’m different and no matter if my hair is perfect or not, I’m still going to be me.  Once I accept that I will feel better about the way I am and my relationships with others.  I still struggle to find one religion that sums up what I believe in and explains what I see everyday of my life.  My belief in god is extremely strong but its hard to pin myself to one religion.

I still have these urges all the time!  To travel.  To go to the southwest and live among the canyons.  To step out of my high-level job and follow my heart.  To align my life work to helping others.  How fulfilling this would be!  I wonder how great it would be to get to know others like myself.  I feel a little part of me dying as I try to mold myself into others who don’t see spirit, who don’t see aura’s and who don’t feel others emotions.  Just talking about it and not pretending its not there makes it better but to suppress it everyday is depressing.  I wonder how others deal in their lives.  Wives, mothers, friends, sisters.

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6 responses to “Fear of myself

  • herongrace

    Sweetheart stop trying so hard to contain yourself or you are going to pop a girdle. Your purpose here is to be yourself, a mother to your child and not to try and be anyone else. You are just fine as you are. x

    • whitetikona

      Thank you. I know in my heart of hearts that your right. Something I need to tell myself everyday. Sometimes listening to the truth can be your biggest challenge yet. Thank you for the wise words. Many blessings.

  • A Threefold Journey

    whitetikona, one of the most important things I learned early on my spiritual path is what one of my teacher’s said: It is not my business what others think, say or feel about me. And it is only important what I think and feel about myself. The person whose misunderstanding of me and my beliefs was the most difficult to get through was my mother, of course, because she is family. But over the years I have learned that it is important to know when to speak and when not to. In a sense I live a double life because there are those I deal with in my business life who know nothing about who I really am wholly. But I’m okay with that. It doesn’t fit into their sense of reality. Those who are ready and able to know more of their own nature will ask the questions in order to receive the answers. Also, as my daughter reminds me, I have taught her many things through my example that she is grateful for. When your daughter sees you being fearless, she will grow by example. I always follow my heart, that knowing self. It keeps me on my path. Anytime love, passion and joy are felt in the doing or being, it lifts the frequency and all good things come from it. Follow your heart.

    • whitetikona

      I can’t believe I just seen this now. What a heartfelt response. Thank you so very much for taking the time to comment and from the heart. I like you, live a double life too. I also have a business occupation where I don’t divulge this. I think the person who would have the most issues understanding me is my sister so I have never opened up to her about this. Both my parents know now. It has helped both them and me because for them it all makes sense now. I think you called it right about following my heart and knowing self. It’s easy to loose both in this journey of life.

    • whitetikona

      Thank you so much for your insights. You are so right. It’s taken me a while but its all starting to make so much more sense. Thank you!

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